My Answer to: "What's So Bad About a Prenup?"

What is bad about a prenuptial agreement is you shouldn't have to have one. It can be compared to Moses, allowing husbands in their day, to write a letter of divorce because husbands would kill their wives to get out of a marriage.

A prenup projects to the person that you are about to marry that they cannot be trusted to be who they say they are and to do what they say they will do. In my humble opinion, if you cannot trust the person in the first place, do not marry them. This goes for both men and women. Since you are likely a man asking this question, I will answer in kind. Unfortunately, over time this happens all too frequently. Statistics also say that people can pretend to be someone that they are not for approximately nine months. This is why waiting to marry them for twelve months is vitally important.

I believe that statistics say now that from 75-80% of divorces are initiated by women. Why is this? Could it be that all the men who married them were mistaken or is there possibly another reason for this? I will answer your question by first answering these.

1) Women file for divorce because both husband and wife do not understand what a marriage covenant is and what it truly means before getting married. They have likely bought into the societal notion that marriage is simply a contract. It is NOT. Based on their misunderstanding, they act accordingly.

2) Most women may not understand that marriage is not designed primarily for happiness, but for purpose. When things start getting tough, instead of going through the tough times together, they quit. I liken marriage similar to two pilots flying a jumbo jet full of passengers, all 524 of them. They begin to suffer turbulence, even severe turbulence and your copilot bails out of the aircraft, leaving the Captain to land the aircraft solo. Beware of women who haven't gone through tough times in one form or another.

3) In the United States, decades of feminism have crept into the justice system and thus the courts. That said, the courts usually will involuntarily transfer the husband’s wealth to the wife no matter the reason for the divorce, especially when there are children involved. In other words, wives can misbehave, cheat, lie, and steal, and divorce their husbands even though she was at fault. Win, win for her as she keeps her new boyfriend. If there were consequences for misbehavior, this would likely make wives reconsider and perhaps not make divorce their first choice.

4) Husbands usually have built careers, businesses, etc., and have great assets to support a wife and family before getting married. Coming into a marriage with these same assets can be a curse because the wife usually has little or no skin in the marriage game the way that the husband does. Therefore, she can enter the marriage with meager financial assets, and on a whim, choose to leave far better off than she came.

The prenup is a legal vehicle to try to mitigate the great loss of assets a husband will likely experience if his wife decides that she wants to join the 75-80% of women who file for divorce in the United States. I say “try” because unfortunately, for the reasons I previously stated, a biased judge can throw the prenup completely out and choose not to accept it for whatever assumptions or reason that they prefer. There is then nothing the husband can do about it. Even so, you can put a term limit on it. For example, if you both stay married for 10 years, you can stipulate that the prenup will terminate after ten years or whatever term you specify.

My first answer to your question is based on the book of Proverbs 4:7 (KJV) 7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

You can attempt to do your very best to vet the person that you are going to marry. Make sure they have read any number of marriage and relationship books while in the dating phase. Attending regular church services together significantly reduces the risk of divorce according to author Shaunti Feldhahn in her book “The Good News About Marriage - Debunking Discouraging Myths About Marriage and Divorce.”  Even so, the longevity of your marriage would still not be guaranteed.

My second answer would be to trust God with the selection of your wife. He can see into the future. He knows you better than you do. He knows who, and where the best match for you would be and you will never need a prenup. That’s what I am now doing after getting divorced. God’s selection will be far better than mine.

-John

Photo by Andre Jackson on Unsplash

My Answer: How Do I Find My True Wife?

In my humble opinion, finding a wife is not about discovering her. In the Bible, there are a number of accounts that I will reference to assist you. If you are prepared for her, and you are praying for her, God will bring her to you, like He brought Eve to Adam, Rachel to Isaac, and Ruth to Boaz.

Too many men assume that they are prepared. What sense would it make for God to send you a beautiful, and honorable wife (His daughter) and you cause her to cry out to Him in anguish as the result of your misbehavior and mistreatment of her? He wouldn't until you were ready. The following are a few points to consider.

1) Have you prepared yourself with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding? -Proverbs 4:7 (KJV) says: 7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

The marriage covenant is very serious. As her husband, you need to know what you are doing and where you both are going. If you do not know what a covenant is, how will you lead her? If you are without knowledge, how will you build a life with her that will make her feel secure? Your education should cover the following:

a) Learning that Love is A Verb (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

b) Marriage and relationships

c) Effective Communication

d) Financial Responsibility & Planning

e) Being the Spiritual Leader in Your Home

f) Providing for her within your means

g) Leading from the front in love

h) Knowing How to Apologize Effectively

i) Forgiveness

j) Having an Active Prayer Life

k) Having a vision for yourself, your family and helping with her vision

There are more but these might get you a good portion of the way. Boaz is a great example of a man who is prepared to receive a wife. You can research him in the book of Ruth. There are great resources to help you with these topics. Here is a list that may help.

2) Great Partners Will Recognize Each Other – The best way to find a great partner is to be one. A man should know what scripture says about a wife: Proverbs 18:22 (NIV) He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. There is additional insight in Proverbs 31:10-31 as well.

Women like this need a man who is considerate. Are you? As a single man, you might tend to be self-centered, looking out for only yourself right now. Volunteering is a great way to learn consideration and to meet people. People who volunteer their time helping others are likely very considerate, can emphasize easily with others, and are usually very kind. People like this are usually attractive.

3) A Good Partner is Chaste – In today’s hook-up culture, people feel that if they cannot sleep with you, how will they know what they are getting long-term? They want to test drive the car, so to speak. But a person who is chaste is one who is particular and clearly has a healthy sense of self. They are content and don’t mind waiting for the “one.” These are those that are “married-for-life” people and the type of person that you want. In short, they are looking for someone similar.

4) A Good Partner is One Who Prays – We will not have all the answers. There will be times that we will face problems that only God, Himself will have the answers to. This is where having a prayer life comes in. Marriage, love, and covenant are all God’s ideas. Having a partner that prays is precious. They will see you as made in His image and will likely know what the scriptures already say about marriage. Having a lifelong marriage is only possible with God’s help. He will help you both fulfill His purpose for your life individually and as a couple.

5) Understanding That Becoming "One" Is a Process - In the book of Genesis, God said the following: Genesis 2:24 (NIV) 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

This means that becoming "one" is a process that will take time if you will be patient with your spouse and humbly allow it. God will use you both to develop you into your best selves. Patience, care, love, and forgiveness will be required.

In closing, Reading, listening to audiobooks, watching videos, etc. alone won't get the job done. You will have to put it all into practice and on a daily basis. I trust that this helped you.

You can find this and other articles written by John on Quora here.

-John

My Answer: What’s the Hardest Part of Being a Black Person?

 This is one of those “How big is the universe” kinds of questions because the answer will be as different as all 328M people in the United States. However, as a 58-year-old Black American, I would say the hardest part was learning that I was far more than just the complex polymer: melanin in my skin. In fact, it's less than 3% of all the chemicals in my body. So why do people make such a big fuss over it? The short answer is, it wasn’t hard for me. I chose not to identify with my race as others did.

I learned to be excellent and that is what I wanted people to know me for. I learned early on that some people were systematically taught not to expect much from me based on my race and would almost always underestimate me. It started in grade school. Grade school is the critical formative years. If I had to pinpoint where that happened for me there were two incidents.

1) Fourth Grade – My teacher assigned us a project to write our own story. I was an avid reader and had a vast imagination. I wrote my story and turned it in. When they were graded, everyone received their stories except me. I asked my teacher about my grade and she dismissingly stated that she was still grading it. Days later, my teacher asked my mother if I had a certain book at home (most kids had a toy box. Mine was a book box). She had already rifled through the many books inside and did not find the named book. The teacher obviously assumed that I plagiarized a published book. I received my assignment without an apology, explanation, or commendation. Little did she know, she revealed the significance of my work regardless.

2) Sixth Grade – My sixth-grade class was selected to perform a song for those who would be in attendance at our graduation ceremony. Our teacher loved 50s music and we were singing a 50's song. On the day of our last rehearsal, the accompanying pianist could not attend. I told my teacher that I could play it. I was 11 years old. He excitedly replied, “Show me!”I showed him by playing the piece in front of the whole class and we finished the rehearsal. 

My teacher was amazed. Little did he know, I was already playing full church services in my father’s church since I was eight. He wanted me to play it for the assembly. Suddenly there was a big flap about me playing instead of the school pianist. It was overridden and I played the program. On the day of, all the teachers and parents were amazed. Most had no idea that I could play the piano at all, at least that well.

I realized that I had two skills that exceeded their existing education system. One teacher didn’t acknowledge me for my writing talent and did not endorse my talent or me. My musical skill was recognized by a very savvy teacher thus, I was recognized and celebrated.

In both instances, the color of my skin had nothing to do with either. I learned that if I can be exceptional, and with a little faith, I will succeed in life.

Today I am a college-educated, Persian Gulf War Veteran, a 28-year Aviation Maintenance Expert, an Ordained Minister, a published author of 14 books, a screenplay writer, a holder of a U.S. Patent. I am also a BMI writer, and I have several pieces of music that is currently played on TV and radio. I am not done. I am working toward making my Sci-Fi novel into a single-feature, motion picture and I have many other projects in the queue. In short, I now know that I am made into the image of Almighty God and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I never view my race as an issue to overcome and simply proceed like it’s so.

-John

Photo by ZU photography on Unsplash

A Word To The Lonely During This Christmas Time

 It is no secret that depression increases over the holiday seasons. Many are away from family or the family dynamic may be dysfunctional so seeing some family members again can ramp up the stress. As a minister, I understand the power of prayer and the peace that you can receive from it. It is not magic or some spiritual incantation. It is simply a private conversation between you and God who, by the way, is excitingly waiting to hear your prayers. He will never share what you say with anyone else. Moreover, He has the ability to change your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual problems if you sincerely believe that He can and will.

That is still one of the reasons I read the Bible because there are people in there that at some point, experienced the same things that I do. I have shared one of the effective ways to deal with holiday stress and loneliness.

Here is an article from the world-renowned Mayo clinic on the subject.

You don't have to be alone. Reach out to someone that you haven't heard from in a while. Do your part to connect with someone who may be feeling like you.

Merry Christmas,

John

My Recommended Reading List For Books on Marriage & Relationships

 I am a "Quora" writer and I often recommend marriage and relationship books that have literally changed my life. The following books have changed my perspective of marriage and relationships and have made me a better person and partner. Here are my top recommendations:

1) “Love And Respect” - Dr. Emerson Eggerichs; This was the first marriage and relationship book that blew me away. It was the first book that opened my mind as to how messed up I was in the treatment of my wife. As I practiced what I learned, things got better and in some cases, a whole lot better. Dr. Eggerichs does a great job at explaining in plain language so even a child could understand.

2) “The 5 Love Languages” – Dr. Gary Chapman; You may not have given it much thought but each of us have our own "Love Language." If you never knew this, this is an awesome book to help you understand yourself and your wife's love language.

3) “When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right With Those You Love” – Dr. Gary Chapman, Jennifer M. Thomas; As mentioned before, we all not only have our own love language but our own apology language as well. This is a great book that compliments "The 5 Love Languages."

4) “Communication Miracles For Couples:" Easy and Effective Tools To Create More Love and Less Conflict” – Jonathan Robinson; This is a brilliant book to read together. You can take one paragraph or a page at a time and discuss it.

5) “For Women Only” – Shaunti Feldhahn; This is a book that decodes men for women. It gives them a "birds eye" view of why men think and act the way they do. It is a must-read.

6) “For Men Only” - Shaunti Feldhahn and Jeff Feldhahn; Men, if you ever wanted to open the top of your spouse's head to look inside to see what's going on in there, this is the book for you. It explains the things you always wanted to know about how women think, like why she has to make the bed before leaving the house and so much more. You should read "For Women Only" also.

7) “Trading Places” – Les & Leslie Parrott; Sometimes, couples are so engulfed with their own world, that they rarely imagine what their spouse's world is like. This book helps couples see and internalize their partner's world. After all, the goal of effective communication is to gain understanding. Once you fully understand, you will be able to reply and respond better to your partner.

8) “The Art of Loving” - Erich Fromm; I found that this gem of a book breaks down loving another person in a way rarely thought of or discussed. We all think we know how to love our spouses, family, friends, or people in general. This book takes you deeper and challenges you to make your love for your spouse, an art form.

9) “Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work” - Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning; Becoming an effective couple is a skill set. There are "core" things that all couples should be doing to be a couple and to even level up.

10) "Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship" - Stan Tatkin PsyD, does a wonderful job revealing the secrets of the brain and how it can help or hurt us in the context of relationships. It can be technical sometimes but always great information that will help you to understand yourself and your partner.

11) “Boundaries In Marriage” Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend; Sports teams, Special Forces teams, Flight Crewmembers, construction workers, and chefs all have boundaries when working together. Without them, there is chaos. Effective relationships are no different and this book clearly helps in this regard.

12) “The 17 Essential Qualities of A Team Player” – John Maxwell; Pick any professional sport, and you will find those who are professional athletes are likely in the 3% of all in the country, even the world. Talent is just the beginning. They must now learn to work as a team to complete and especially to be champions. Some couples do not realize that they are a team. Hence, they need to read this book.

13) “9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life: A Psychologist Learns from His Patients What Really Works and What Doesn't” – Dr. Henry Cloud; If you cannot master yourself, you will find that you will only arise to a certain level even with a spouse. You need to be able to succeed for yourself first before you can be of help to anyone else. A must-read.

14) "Extreme Ownership" - by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin; These former Navy Seals lay down some serious verbal fire with this book. Believe it or not, CEOs, Vice Presidents, and Directors of companies will place blame, pass the buck, and will not own their stuff when it comes to their own mistakes. A difficult or failed marriage has the potential to wreck you physically, spiritually, and emotionally, not to mention your children (if you have them), family and friends. Your attitude and the choices that you make will determine your outcome. Being a Christian, veteran, and father, I have learned a lot from their book in more ways than one.

15) “The Like Switch” – Jack Schafer, Ph.D. with Marvin Karlins Ph.D.; Written by a former FBI Agent, he explains techniques that will be useful in life and certainly with a spouse. We're not always going to be on our "A" game. Knowing what to do to get back in the graces of anyone is a skill worth learning.

16) "Effective Prayers for Your Future Spouse - A Daily Devotional" - John Williams; Yes, this is my contribution to help couples develop a time of prayer and reflection on marriage as they are walking their journey to the marriage altar. I share and clearly explain in a thirty-one-day devotional, some key marital concepts based on Biblical text that parents, pastors, and pre-marriage counselors may not have told you. This is a great resource and is offered in an audiobook version as well.

17) "The Good News About Marriage - Debunking Discouraging Myths About Marriage and Divorce" - Shaunti Feldhahn; Shaunti does it again with great insight based on her research on marriage. She dashes to the ground the many long-held myths about marriage held by most people. This is a gem and a very informative read if you are considering getting married now, or in the future.

I have read these and many more books on marriage and relationships (about 40+). I learned so much and could now correct the things that I did wrong. When we know better, we have an opportunity to do better.

I hope this list and commentary were helpful for you. Kindly read them for yourself. After doing so, you can then recommend them to friends and family. They are less costly than counseling and if you practice what you have learned, you may rarely if ever need it.

Full Disclosure: Each of the links includes my affiliate Amazon link. This means that you will be supporting me and my blog by purchasing any of the books I recommend from this site. Thank you in advance for your support.

-John

"What Is So Special About “Wormhole Moon?”

 As a passionate Science Fiction author, I care about the story and all the things that capture the imagination of Sci-Fi readers and will hopefully hold their attention.  

What I feel is special about the “Wormhole Moon” series is that it was planned to be a series and film from the beginning. That said, the characters are well developed with interesting character arcs. As they interact with each other, their relationships grow over the course of time. 

You are pushed forward in time by fifty years. Technology that is in its infancy now, you will see used routinely. Additionally, each character has an interesting past that is not revealed all at once. As you see them challenged, they will grow, and new aspects of their personality begin to emerge.

There are also outstanding group dynamics within the various organizations. The pressures of new challenges and the pushing of their regulated boundaries cause them to adjust and flex in ways that previously had not have been required before. That said, new leaders are required to step up to the challenges as old ones are promoted.

There are professional relationships, friendships, and marriages that will be tested. Rich friendships grow and others are no more. You may feel the pain and loss as the characters do.

The weapons of the ships, military vehicles, transportation, etc. are those never seen before in film. Since our new friends from Meritor have come, their technology has been a great help to the world as you will see in the book.

Finally, “Wormhole Moon” adds a spiritual aspect to Science Fiction that you do not normally see. I is well woven in all three books and it is part of some of the culture of the characters.

Indeed, the book is unique, and I thank all of my readers for giving it a chance to be included in your library. 

John Williams

My Answer to the Question: "What are the signs that your spouse needs more attention from you?"

 It isn’t one-size-fits-all. Some people will withdraw when they need attention, while others will be very vocal. This is what I suggest.

1) Don’t Wait for Your Spouse to Tell You – If you have been busy on a Saturday and you haven’t engaged with your spouse on a meaningful level by noon, this is your moment. If he has been sitting on the living room couch watching TV or reading the paper, gently walk over and sit across his lap! What husband could resist? Men need to feel that their wives still want them and love their wives to be playful.

Guys, same thing, during the week or weekend, she’s in the garden or doing something in the den, walk up behind her, squeeze her tight, and kiss her on the neck like you used to do when you were dating. Switch things up sometimes. Let her know that she’s still your girl!

2) Routine is The Enemy of Spontaneity – Couples often get in a rut because they allow it. Don’t allow it. Book a bed & breakfast get-a-way. Perhaps you have a limited budget, so have a deli make you a picnic basket or make it yourself. Plan a great location and check the weather. Hide the basket in the back of the car and bring a nice blanket to set the moment. When they are looking so surprised and ask, “Hey, what is this for?” Simply reply, “Just because.” Taking a little bit of time to share a special moment with your spouse can be precious.

3) Knowing Is Better Than Guessing – By now, you should know your spouse's “love languages.” If you don’t, I highly recommend the book, “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. The attention I mentioned before is great and needful, but what good is it if you are not speaking your spouse’s love language every day?

Ladies perhaps on the weekend your husband plays with that old car in the garage... again. You don't like greasy old cars, and you feel his hobby steals time away from you. He may know that but it may be his way of relaxing and taking his mind off things (His Yoga). You may have even complained about it a little.

This time, put on your old jeans, roll up your sleeves, and bring him a cold glass of lemonade. Ask him what he's doing and show a genuine interest. He might be surprised at first and explains. You decide to hang out with him as he shows off his mechanical expertise. You even hand him a wrench or two. It won't be long before you’re both having a real conversation. Each time it gets easier. Before you know it, he's taking you out on a date again and your love is growing. What changed? You began speaking HIS love language "Quality Time."

Now for the guys, perhaps you are the type of person that is quiet, and you don’t say much. Your spouse likes to talk and may talk enough for you both. Maybe that is because one of her top-three love languages is “Words of Affirmation.” If this is true, say more words of affirmation to your spouse… Ex. “Hon, I may not say this as often as I should, but I really appreciate it when you do…” or “Hon I appreciate your skill in making the front of our house look so beautiful. Those flowers really make it stand out.”

Make sure your words are genuine and sincere. It is NOT about YOU right now. HER love language is “Words of Affirmation” and try to speak it as often as possible.

As you read the book, you will find out other love languages that your spouse may have. I encourage that you read it together and practice what you've learned. It has the potential to change your marriage in a big way.

To read more articles like these, kindly visit John's Quora page.

-John

"Effective Prayers for Your Future Spouse" Day 17 - Pray That You Both Will Listen...and Well

 

Day 17

Pray That You Both Will Listen...and Well

    In almost every book you will find on marriage and relationships, communication is the one thing that is always discussed. The most critical part of that is listening. James 1:19 (NIV) says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” To be more specific, there are different kinds of listening. There is the kind where we are distracted and hear what is being said, but we’re not actually giving our full attention to the speaker. Then, there is listening to form a rebuttal or reply to the speaker. The kind I am talking about is what is called “active” listening.

    It takes a certain amount of humility to truly listen to another person. Active listening is where you make yourself a blank piece of paper that the speaker can write on, uninterrupted. You might ask a quick question to validate what is being said, but you are focusing your attention on the speaker in a deliberate effort to understand. You verify by repeating what was conveyed in your own words, i.e., “So if I understand you correctly, you said…” Doing this makes the speaker feel heard, and their words appreciated. If you did it right, they acknowledge that you received their words and heard them correctly. This is the kind of communication that all couples sorely need. Will you try this type of listening? Will you try it today on your future spouse, family, friends, or a co-worker? Kindly say this prayer:

    “Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you help my future spouse and me to be the kind of partners that are humble enough to listen to each other. Help us to learn and master the skill of listening that we may better understand and abundantly grow together. Anoint our ears to hear each other, the voice of the Holy Spirit as he guides us into all truth (John 16:13) and our hearts to receive. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.”

    If you enjoyed this post, the book can be found here. There is also an audiobook version as well.

-John

"Effective Prayers for Your Future Spouse" - What Is This Book Really All About?

 When I thought about writing my latest book "Effective Prayers for Your Future Spouse: A Daily Devotional," I began with the end in mind. As a "Quora" writer, as of this writing, I have posted 416 answers and received 394.1K total content views. I get a lot of marriage and relationship questions and I saw an opportunity to answer marriage questions in my book.

That said, the book is about answering the daily challenges that couples face whether they are married or not coupled with an associate prayer for that need. 

For example, today is the 12th of September. This is what the devotion says for today:

Day 12, Have Faith That God Has the Right Person for You

     God says that our days were ordained and that our destinies were written in the books of Heaven before we were born. He further declares that his thoughts of us are greater in number than the sands, Psalm 139:16-18. That said, how much more is he concerned about helping you find your future spouse? Don’t rush ahead because a wrong spouse can temporarily derail your life.

    We can trust that God always has our best interests in mind. We can trust him with our lives down to every detail, especially in finding our Kingdom spouse who will join us for the rest of our lives. Kindly say this prayer:

    “Dear Heavenly Father, I know that you love me, and you will cause all things to work together for my good because I love you and I am called according to your purpose (Romans 8:28). You are also able to bless me abundantly, so that in all things always, I will have all that I need to abound in every good work (2 Corinth 9:8 & 9). Father, you also said that if I delight myself in You, that you would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).

    So, Father, I thank you for arranging a meeting with my future spouse. I will patiently wait for you, knowing that you will always give me your very best. Thank you, Lord. I pray in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

If you are interested in more content, kindly see the book at this link Book: Effective Prayers for Your Future Spouse - A Daily Devotional". Thank you for your time and attention.

-John

Greetings World!

   After blogging for many years, and after a very challenging period of my life, I find that I am blogging on blogger. I am grateful for the platform and I trust that I will add great value to this space for Google readers and my audience all over the world. 

  I am John Williams, a 58-year-old Christian, father, United States Air Force Persian Gulf War Veteran, Author, Musician, screenplay writer, playwright, 28-year aviation professional, and US Patent holder. I am proud to say that I have published 14 books, and one audiobook so far, and counting. 

  It is my plan, calling, and purpose to add value to the world and leave a legacy for my great, great-grandchildren. To that end, I will create and document my journey here. I will share stories, promote my books, writings and other things I feel are worth sharing for my readers and the curious. 

  Speaking of my books, kindly view some of my favorites "Wormhole Moon" and my latest addition: "Effective Prayers for Your Future Spouse." I am certain you will enjoy them both.

If you have questions comments, rants, and raves concerning me, please feel free to comment. That is all for now and thank you for visiting my blog page.

-John