Thank you for the question. What comes to mind for me are several strategies that I will share. They will come from several sources starting with the Bible.
The first comes from the book of Proverbs, 1 Peter and then James. Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) 7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
The Amplified Bible (AMPC) says it this way: 7 The beginning of Wisdom is: get Wisdom (skillful and godly Wisdom)! [For skillful and godly Wisdom is the principal thing.] And with all you have gotten, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation).
1 Peter 3:7 (AMPC) 7 In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]
James 2:19-21 (NIV) 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
Proverbs 4:7 says that we are to obtain wisdom. When you got a job, someone had to teach you how to do what you were hired for. You might have received training, even formal training. Why? Because it would be ridiculous to try to put you to work when you did not know what you were doing.
That said, how do you expect to be married to another person without knowledge? When was the last time that you read a book about marriage and relationships? Knowing what to do can fast-track your knowledge thus your results. This article is one example.
In 1 Peter, men are called to live considerately with an intelligent recognition of the marriage relationship. He is also to honor the wife, which means to give "high respect, great esteem." Intelligence comes by making an effort to learn things that you did not previously know. For example, did you know that if a husband and wife argue to the point where the situation becomes heated, a hormone is released in the brain. This causes a part of your brain to switch your brain over to a “fight or flight” mode. James warns us NOT to become angry.
In this state, you become physiologically unable to intelligently reason. At this point, most couples keep trying and make matters worse. It will take approximately four hours for the condition to subside. If you knew this beforehand you could now recognize what is happening and respond in kind. I learned this by reading a book titled “Wired for Love '' by Dr. Stan Tatkin. Reading marriage and relationship books is a very effective strategy to improve your marriage.
In James, Chapter 2, he is wise to suggest that we do more listening than talking. In the midst of a disagreement, even an argument, our focus is usually to be heard. In fact, the ultimate goal for any form of effective communication is NOT to be heard but to be understood. It takes a certain amount of humility to truly listen to someone else. This is where many couples miss the whole point of communication.
First, a couple should humble themselves. Remembering that you both promised on your wedding day that you would love each other. Humbling oneself enough and being patient enough to listen without any other agenda but to understand IS an act of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
In closing, I realize that what I have explained is more than you anticipated. Most people do not like to read, and statistics say that 65% of people haven’t likely read a single book since graduating high school or college. Since you asked me such an insightful question, I believe you to be in the 35% of those who will.
Finally, Peter mentioned “that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off.” This means that you should be praying. I pray on a daily basis, and I find prayer to be a very effective strategy. Prayer is simply talking to God, having a respectful conversation (There are great books on prayer). I highly recommend that you pray for yourselves and each other as you go through the process. Journaling can help as well to fine-tune the education process. I hope this helped.
-John
