“Why “Pop the Balloon” Doesn’t Work”

 If you are similar to me, I tend to be drawn to videos that have to do with relationships. That would include instances of first meetings, long-distance meetings, break-ups, and sometimes complete relationship meltdowns. 

What I find fascinating about it is, that after learning more about and understanding the neuroscience dynamic of relationships, you begin to understand what is happening at a different level. Thus, the title of my article.

There is a show called “Pop the Balloon” where the host has several single females standing in a room, each with a balloon and the means to pop it. They bring in what appears to be an eligible bachelor that they may choose to get to know. If they don’t like something(s) about him, they pop their balloon and state why. I feel that they make a lot of assumptions about the men. It is a superficial way to meet anyone which makes for dramatic video content.

I find the show's methods immature (In a Jerry Springer sort of way). As adults, we have language that we can use. We don’t need a popped balloon to speak for us. I would rather see moments of conversation to confirm or debunk what they think or believe of the men or women who are being considered (I think this would be more interesting).

I recently saw a video where a male victim enters the room and most of the female contestants immediately begin popping their balloons before the male even gets a chance to say a word. 

I would be remiss if I did not mention that all the participants are usually people of color. If you will be patient with me for a moment, I will reveal why this is significant.

One of my favorite books is one called “Wired for Love” by Dr. Stan Takin. He is an expert in relationships from the perspective of neuroscience. He shares these words:

“Most notably, as we approach a potential partner, our near senses become engaged. These include first and foremost our close-up visual stream (which some refer to as the ventral visual stream), reserved for people or objects deemed safe and those being closely observed. As you move toward another person and come within an approximate distance of two to three feet, you may find yourself hesitating as your brain adjusts to the near visual stream. Meeting another person in close proximity, your brain is predisposed to take in the face: the fine, smooth muscles of the face as they shift and change, the kaleidoscopic fluctuations in skin tone, the eyes dancing and pupils opening and closing in tune with your buzzing nervous systems as the two of you interact. You can see more detail in the face and body. A person looks quite different up close than at a distance.”

(Takin, Stan. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (p. 161). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition).

With this new understanding, it is the "distance" that we are from a person that will cause us to assess them in error.

I viewed a recent episode where there were six women this time. The first five women were black women and the sixth woman was a Caucasian lady. The process began and the women of color all popped their balloons, except the sixth lady. She allowed the male to approach her within 3-4 feet and gladly accepted his attention. They began to develop a connection.

What am I saying? Neuroscience doesn’t lie. The response of the other women was likely due to the primitive side of their brain advising them “Don’t get killed!” This is why the show's premise doesn’t serve single women or men hoping to find an eligible future partner. I think candidates who prematurely pop their balloons are because of former negative experiences. Thus, they were not willing to let their guard down to access someone up close. However, in the same scenario, the sixth lady was open, inviting, and wasn’t afraid of the “up close” interaction with someone new, no matter his ethnicity. 

What if we all approached people the way the sixth woman did? What if we were more kind, patient, and unafraid to engage someone up close (within the 3 - 4 feet range)? What would we discover? What humorous moments would we share? What new things would we learn and what would they learn from us?

I am reminded of the words of Jesus in John 13:34 (NIV) 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

"Love" in the context of scripture is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

In closing, although we are commanded not to judge one another, we tend to do so anyway. Let’s be mindful to practice the first six words of 1 Corinthians 13:4 this holiday season as the sixth lady did to the gentlemen. “Love is patient, love is kind.”

-John

My Answer to: What are some of the most misunderstood aspects of relationships?

 Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) says: 7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

The greatest one is: 1) Many people do not get wisdom or understanding about intimate relationships and marriage before getting into them. The next two are significant as well. 2) That submitting yourself to another person and committing to a marital relationship demands that you die to yourself and do all that is humanly possible to maintain it. (Ephesians 5:21). 3) That both husbands and wives have the responsibility to protect the marriage, your spouse, and their wellbeing at all times, especially when they are not in your presence.

1)Wisdom and Understanding - We cannot do well, what we have not learned. Preparation is vital in camping, going on a hike, doing anything difficult that you have not successfully done before. Relationships and marriage are vital life events. You will need to learn what to do, why you are doing it, and when.

2)Dying to oneself requires a fierce commitment, humility, mindfulness, consideration, faithfulness and loyalty.

Commitment - I am talking the very same that you committed to your spouse on the day of your wedding-covenant. In other words, when you wake up in the morning, you replay the commitment that you made to your spouse before and after you said your vows… as if it were the first time.

Humility - Humility is a mindset that is soberly modest, and knows that you do not deserve all the good things that God richly gave you, but has done so anyway, including your spouse. Bless God for his grace and mercy by honoring the "gift" of a spouse He has given to you.

Mindfulness & Consideration - Are deliberate acts. You make yourself aware of your surroundings and the ones that you love. You remember that “love” is a verb in thought, word and deed: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Faithfulness and loyalty - Are two sides of the same coin. The definitions are: Faithfulness - 1) steadfast in affection or allegiance: Loyal. 2) firm in adherence to promised or in observance of duty: Conscientious. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Loyalty - the quality or state or an instance of being loyal. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).

What stands out for me in these two definitions is the attribute of being steadfast and adherence to a promise or in observance of duty.

Being steadfast is an attribute that is taught and developed over time. I was taught not just with words but by observing my mom and dad. Yes, they had their flaws as we all do, but I observed them keeping their word to us and other people even to the point of their own inconvenience. As adults we can teach ourselves the same, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. In short, live a life of integrity no matter what anyone says.

3) Protecting each other as husbands and wives should be a very basic trait but clearly it is not. Men are taught very young to protect the weak and those who cannot protect themselves. Women have this natural trait when it comes to protecting their children.

Dare I say that a slight adjustment may be needed? The Bible teaches that God’s purpose for marriage is Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15-16). It has also been established through statistical analysis that the best environment in which to raise a child is within a two parent home, in the context of scripture. That said, both wife and husband need to protect each other from negative outside influences. What do I mean?

We are given direction from the book of Philippians 4:8 (KJV) Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

The proper protection of one’s marriage and family stems from these words. Your “Thought Life” can keep you on the straight and narrow, or it can take you down. Be mindful of your thoughts. If they are not what they should be, quickly change them. The choice is yours. I kindly recommend that you choose the kinds of thoughts that benefit your life.

The onslaught of negative Films, TV shows, biased publications that inaccurately depict the nature of men, that degrade men, fathers, and the “rightful” place of father’s in the home. These need to be avoided by mothers who consume such content as likely her girlfriends that additionally raise their children in a home that exposes them to the same.

Most of the content on TV, in magazines, etc. do not promote what Philippians 4:8 says. It is deliberate.

The research is readily available concerning the staggering divorce statistics and by those who initiate divorce the most. That said, just as a couple should be faithful not to commit adultery, they should also be faithful to protect their own eyes, ears, mind, and heart from content that will lead them astray. The result is likely the compromise of their own hearts, thus leading to events that eventually will compromise their own relationships and marriage. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) states: 23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

In closing, recognizing and dealing with such aspects is not an easy task. This likely takes more discipline than most people are willing to admit to and give, but it can be developed over time with prayer and effort if one is willing. This is the unspoken part of the marriage conversation that is rarely discussed and nowadays, rarely consistently practiced. However, wisdom, understanding, dying to oneself, and protection are vital elements in a successful long-term relationship, if you dare.

God loves His children and wants us to succeed. We do not have to navigate relationships and marriage without the necessary help, guidance and instructions. I encourage you to pray, study what the Bible says about many other topics that will affect your relationships and marriage. I encourage you to read great books on marriage and relationships and develop yourself into a partner that He and you would be proud of.

-John

My Answer to: "Is there a hope of being married to a good guy?"

"Is there a hope of being married to a good guy for a woman with no good family background or dysfunctional family background?" Thank you for such an honest and self-reflective question. My answer to your question is a resounding “yes,” there is hope. If more people asked such questions, they would likely be better off.

Unfortunately, what being raised in a dysfunctional family does is that it conditions the child to believe that their emotional yardstick is 2 ½ or 4 feet long, rather than the standard 3 feet. Often they will use coping mechanisms to survive, and may not come to the realization for many years that how they were raised wasn’t their fault. When this happens, we should be gentle with ourselves and simply attempt to get the help we need. We should also understand that we do not have to be the people we were in our past. We can learn new things, change, grow and pursue our future with a new understanding and self-awareness. Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) says: 7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. We cannot practice that which we have never learned. I would start with reading great relationship and marriage books. Hardly any of us were formally taught the things that books like these offer. Knowing better, will equip you to do better. Practicing what you learned over-time, will increase your knowledge, give you wisdom and growth. Although books are a great source of knowledge and wisdom, you may find that you require a more robust approach. If so, book an appointment with a mental healthcare professional to assist you in sorting out some of your challenges. Getting emotionally healthy is always a wise decision and will be a great help to you and your future. It will give you confidence and even help you select a better potential life-long partner. -John

My Answer to the Question: "Why is it hard for a man to marry you once you are staying together?"

 

Despite what modern-day women or feminists say, men are the prize, not women. It is a fact that there are more marriage-eligible women than men. More men refuse to marry in the current hostile marital climate making the number of marriage-eligible men even less.

This is likely due to the threat that 84% of all divorces are initiated by women, that the courts and child support system is biased against men, and that whether or not a wife cheats or files for divorce over the most ridiculous reasons, she will likely get half of everything they built during the marriage relationship. This transfer of the man's wealth is forced even though she likely brought very little in terms of assets into the relationship.

That said, he also may not be inclined to marry you because of how you allowed him to treat you. To be honest, men are hunters, and if you didn’t make him work for it, for him the hunt is over. One of the most exciting things about hunting is the challenge brought by the prey.

In the beginning, you probably wouldn’t have given him the time of day. You made him ask you on a date no less than three times before you accepted. When he got the date, the next challenge for him would be the first kiss. Perhaps weeks go by and he finally gets it!

Fast forward, a few dates later you two are behaving like a married couple, you moved in together (Mistake) even though there is no clear commitment, no ring, no date. This is a huge mistake. First marriage cannot be simulated. Second, there is no established committee to stay and work things out no matter what as in a real marital relationship. That said, as far as he’s concerned, he's got his prize. No need to pursue or hunt anymore. Now on to the next hunt. Unfortunately, whatever that is, you can believe, it’s not you anymore.

Ladies, the courting process is the only opportunity that you may have to make him value you and do so for life. If you treat yourself inexpensively, so will he. May I remind you that you are made in the image and likeness of God? It is true, we teach others how to treat us. Have him meet the parents and ask permission! This is still a time-honored tradition in many foreign countries to this day and one that can potentially save you tremendous pain and suffering. Parents have more experience with people and may likely see things that you may miss about your potential partner.

The obvious question may be: “What do men want in a wife? May I suggest as stated by the late Kevin Samuels, that men want women who are:

- Attractive

- Are cooperative, smart, and agreeable

- Fit

- Are affectionate, accommodating, subtle

- Are disciplined and discerning

-Feminine (Not strong and independent)

-Naturally nurturing

- Carefree, loving, easygoing

If this is not you, this could be the answer to your question. If this is so, I would start by reading great marriage and relationship books. You cannot use what you have not learned. If you have issues and know it, get therapy and work on yourself. If you are not fit, go to the gym, and get fit.

To be clear, the competition for a good man is high. There are already ladies that have done the work, who are fit, ready, and likely even younger than you who are competing for the same men. Raise your level to get the type of man that would be willing to marry you, in spite of all the reasons I mentioned that men are comfortable with. May I include offering to sign a prenup that may sweeten the deal if you are truly willing to enter into a marriage covenant for life?

In closing, this next piece of advice is hard. If he’s settled in and there is no sign of a marriage commitment after a year, have him move out into his own place. This time, if he wants you, make him earn you, and goodness sakes, do NOT sleep with him until after the wedding. Women in the past generations understood this principle and nearly all who wanted to be married got married. In best case scenario he will. Better case scenario, he leaves and someone else who is willing to earn you, will!

-John

My Recommended Reading List For Books on Marriage & Relationships

 I am a "Quora" writer and I often recommend marriage and relationship books that have literally changed my life. The following books have changed my perspective of marriage and relationships and have made me a better person and partner. Here are my top recommendations:

1) “Love And Respect” - Dr. Emerson Eggerichs; This was the first marriage and relationship book that blew me away. It was the first book that opened my mind as to how messed up I was in the treatment of my wife. As I practiced what I learned, things got better and in some cases, a whole lot better. Dr. Eggerichs does a great job at explaining in plain language so even a child could understand.

2) “The 5 Love Languages” – Dr. Gary Chapman; You may not have given it much thought but each of us have our own "Love Language." If you never knew this, this is an awesome book to help you understand yourself and your wife's love language.

3) “When Sorry Isn’t Enough: Making Things Right With Those You Love” – Dr. Gary Chapman, Jennifer M. Thomas; As mentioned before, we all not only have our own love language but our own apology language as well. This is a great book that compliments "The 5 Love Languages."

4) “Communication Miracles For Couples:" Easy and Effective Tools To Create More Love and Less Conflict” – Jonathan Robinson; This is a brilliant book to read together. You can take one paragraph or a page at a time and discuss it.

5) “For Women Only” – Shaunti Feldhahn; This is a book that decodes men for women. It gives them a "birds eye" view of why men think and act the way they do. It is a must-read.

6) “For Men Only” - Shaunti Feldhahn and Jeff Feldhahn; Men, if you ever wanted to open the top of your spouse's head to look inside to see what's going on in there, this is the book for you. It explains the things you always wanted to know about how women think, like why she has to make the bed before leaving the house and so much more. You should read "For Women Only" also.

7) “Trading Places” – Les & Leslie Parrott; Sometimes, couples are so engulfed with their own world, that they rarely imagine what their spouse's world is like. This book helps couples see and internalize their partner's world. After all, the goal of effective communication is to gain understanding. Once you fully understand, you will be able to reply and respond better to your partner.

8) “The Art of Loving” - Erich Fromm; I found that this gem of a book breaks down loving another person in a way rarely thought of or discussed. We all think we know how to love our spouses, family, friends, or people in general. This book takes you deeper and challenges you to make your love for your spouse, an art form.

9) “Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work” - Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning; Becoming an effective couple is a skill set. There are "core" things that all couples should be doing to be a couple and to even level up.

10) "Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship" - Stan Tatkin PsyD, does a wonderful job revealing the secrets of the brain and how it can help or hurt us in the context of relationships. It can be technical sometimes but always great information that will help you to understand yourself and your partner.

11) “Boundaries In Marriage” Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend; Sports teams, Special Forces teams, Flight Crewmembers, construction workers, and chefs all have boundaries when working together. Without them, there is chaos. Effective relationships are no different and this book clearly helps in this regard.

12) “The 17 Essential Qualities of A Team Player” – John Maxwell; Pick any professional sport, and you will find those who are professional athletes are likely in the 3% of all in the country, even the world. Talent is just the beginning. They must now learn to work as a team to complete and especially to be champions. Some couples do not realize that they are a team. Hence, they need to read this book.

13) “9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life: A Psychologist Learns from His Patients What Really Works and What Doesn't” – Dr. Henry Cloud; If you cannot master yourself, you will find that you will only arise to a certain level even with a spouse. You need to be able to succeed for yourself first before you can be of help to anyone else. A must-read.

14) "Extreme Ownership" - by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin; These former Navy Seals lay down some serious verbal fire with this book. Believe it or not, CEOs, Vice Presidents, and Directors of companies will place blame, pass the buck, and will not own their stuff when it comes to their own mistakes. A difficult or failed marriage has the potential to wreck you physically, spiritually, and emotionally, not to mention your children (if you have them), family and friends. Your attitude and the choices that you make will determine your outcome. Being a Christian, veteran, and father, I have learned a lot from their book in more ways than one.

15) “The Like Switch” – Jack Schafer, Ph.D. with Marvin Karlins Ph.D.; Written by a former FBI Agent, he explains techniques that will be useful in life and certainly with a spouse. We're not always going to be on our "A" game. Knowing what to do to get back in the graces of anyone is a skill worth learning.

16) "Effective Prayers for Your Future Spouse - A Daily Devotional" - John Williams; Yes, this is my contribution to help couples develop a time of prayer and reflection on marriage as they are walking their journey to the marriage altar. I share and clearly explain in a thirty-one-day devotional, some key marital concepts based on Biblical text that parents, pastors, and pre-marriage counselors may not have told you. This is a great resource and is offered in an audiobook version as well.

17) "The Good News About Marriage - Debunking Discouraging Myths About Marriage and Divorce" - Shaunti Feldhahn; Shaunti does it again with great insight based on her research on marriage. She dashes to the ground the many long-held myths about marriage held by most people. This is a gem and a very informative read if you are considering getting married now, or in the future.

I have read these and many more books on marriage and relationships (about 40+). I learned so much and could now correct the things that I did wrong. When we know better, we have an opportunity to do better.

I hope this list and commentary were helpful for you. Kindly read them for yourself. After doing so, you can then recommend them to friends and family. They are less costly than counseling and if you practice what you have learned, you may rarely if ever need it.

Full Disclosure: Each of the links includes my affiliate Amazon link. This means that you will be supporting me and my blog by purchasing any of the books I recommend from this site. Thank you in advance for your support.

-John