It isn’t one-size-fits-all. Some people will withdraw when they need attention, while others will be very vocal. This is what I suggest.
1) Don’t Wait for Your Spouse to Tell You – If you have been busy on a Saturday and you haven’t engaged with your spouse on a meaningful level by noon, this is your moment. If he has been sitting on the living room couch watching TV or reading the paper, gently walk over and sit across his lap! What husband could resist? Men need to feel that their wives still want them and love their wives to be playful.
Guys, same thing, during the week or weekend, she’s in the garden or doing something in the den, walk up behind her, squeeze her tight, and kiss her on the neck like you used to do when you were dating. Switch things up sometimes. Let her know that she’s still your girl!
2) Routine is The Enemy of Spontaneity – Couples often get in a rut because they allow it. Don’t allow it. Book a bed & breakfast get-a-way. Perhaps you have a limited budget, so have a deli make you a picnic basket or make it yourself. Plan a great location and check the weather. Hide the basket in the back of the car and bring a nice blanket to set the moment. When they are looking so surprised and ask, “Hey, what is this for?” Simply reply, “Just because.” Taking a little bit of time to share a special moment with your spouse can be precious.
3) Knowing Is Better Than Guessing – By now, you should know your spouse's “love languages.” If you don’t, I highly recommend the book, “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. The attention I mentioned before is great and needful, but what good is it if you are not speaking your spouse’s love language every day?
Ladies perhaps on the weekend your husband plays with that old car in the garage... again. You don't like greasy old cars, and you feel his hobby steals time away from you. He may know that but it may be his way of relaxing and taking his mind off things (His Yoga). You may have even complained about it a little.
This time, put on your old jeans, roll up your sleeves, and bring him a cold glass of lemonade. Ask him what he's doing and show a genuine interest. He might be surprised at first and explains. You decide to hang out with him as he shows off his mechanical expertise. You even hand him a wrench or two. It won't be long before you’re both having a real conversation. Each time it gets easier. Before you know it, he's taking you out on a date again and your love is growing. What changed? You began speaking HIS love language "Quality Time."
Now for the guys, perhaps you are the type of person that is quiet, and you don’t say much. Your spouse likes to talk and may talk enough for you both. Maybe that is because one of her top-three love languages is “Words of Affirmation.” If this is true, say more words of affirmation to your spouse… Ex. “Hon, I may not say this as often as I should, but I really appreciate it when you do…” or “Hon I appreciate your skill in making the front of our house look so beautiful. Those flowers really make it stand out.”
Make sure your words are genuine and sincere. It is NOT about YOU right now. HER love language is “Words of Affirmation” and try to speak it as often as possible.
As you read the book, you will find out other love languages that your spouse may have. I encourage that you read it together and practice what you've learned. It has the potential to change your marriage in a big way.
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-John
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