My Answer: "My wife of 26 years rang me at work and said she has left me and wants a divorce that was over 2 weeks ago.""rd from her since no contact at all, been told she's at her sisters house. I don't even no why she left. I'm so broken and hurting any advice?

 In my opinion, I say that you pivot. I humbly suggest the following:

1) Fully Assess the Situation, Leave No Stone Unturned – She may have left hints and clues before now but unfortunately, most men are not emotionally intelligent enough to pick those up. I will suggest something later, to help with that. This your life. The data says it can take 2 years minimum to emotionally recover from a divorce so take this seriously.

You will have to believe what she says for now. Perhaps she’s bluffing but don’t count on it. Because women are generally more cunning than men are some ways, you might consider hiring a PI to confirm there isn’t more going on than she says. This way you will have some answers you seek and the data you need for proof in a divorce. An “alienation of affection” suit can also be filed, and the cheater sued for the interference of your marriage (Depending on the state, country).

Consider that if she has not been cheating, that perhaps she’s completely frustrated and feels that there is no hope for the marriage of changing for the better. If this is truly the case, you may haven’t taken the lead. Perhaps you haven’t gently asked her how’s her heart and listened to her uninterrupted. Take this time to truly reflect on your part in this. Were there any harsh words that you said to her that hurt her heart or any insensitive actions? Were there something(s) that you promised her that you kept putting off? Was there something very specific that she was counting on that you never addressed or followed up on?

2) Don’t Contact Her, Don’t Chase After Her For Now– This is her show right now. Let it play out. Understand that women are fickle and it takes time for them to calm down. Chasing after her like a high school boy won’t help. In fact, it will make you look weak in her eyes. As much as it hurts right now, nurture and take care of yourself. Show yourself some dignity and respect. She will miss you at some point. If and when she does, you will be ready and a better you.

3) Upgrade Everything You Thought You Knew About Your Wife & Marriage– Once married, most people will never read a single book on marriage and relationships. You might feel that you don’t want to also. What do you have to lose except your wife? I highly suggest that you get these books and read them one after the other. It would be better for you to know much of what these say before speaking to her again. It will also be a great help if you both agree to attend counseling. They are:

- “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman

- “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

- “When Sorry Isn’t Enough” by Doctor Gary Chapman

- “For Men Only – A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women” Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

If you do not like reading, you might find them in an audiobook version. These should also help you to develop your emotional intelligence.

4) Focus on Yourself Now – We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. – Albert Einstein.

This is the time to shift your focus. Go to the gym, workout. Start eating healthier. As you read your books and reflect on your marriage over the past years, this is a time to journal and reflect on your thoughts. Most men don’t think of this, but it’s essential. Be careful of the thoughts you think. You are both adults. Stay focused and stay away from vices, drinking, etc. You will need to be sober and alert during this process. I have seen matters like this change in an instant.

5) How is Your Spiritual Life? – You are hurting now, and likely feel as if you been thrown away. I have been there, I get it. You will need time to heal. Take it. I can tell you that it will go better if you engage the spiritual side of yourself during this time.

God was there on your wedding day 26 years ago. He’s watched over it since that time up until now. He knows exactly what is driving this, and its end state. He has and is always waiting to hear your prayers. He knows you and your wife intimately, from the number of hairs on your heads to your DNAs… backward. Ask Him for guidance, peace, direction. Matthew 7:8 (NIV) 7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Establish a regular prayer time. Ask God what you should do and to reveal anything that you need to correct with her and to make recompense if needed.

6) Watch Your Words & Don’t Speak or Act Recklessly - This is a very sensitive season for you both. She may have all kinds of people speaking to her. Don’t fall into the same trap. Stay focused on what you are learning from your books, what you hear in your spirit as you write in your journal. You might even hear something in your prayer time. I would suggest that this not a time to speak rashly or act recklessly.

7) Live Your Life to the Fullest - In doing so, there should be no extramarital relationships of any kind. If you want God to honor your prayers and petitions, you must first honor him.

Take short trips, volunteer, look for opportunities to serve others. Remember, she’s still your wife and even though it appears that she doesn’t love you right now, this is where God’s word does its best on your behalf, no matter how this goes. You might make some good friends too.

This passage was likely the commission given to you both by the priest on your wedding day. In a season similar to this, I learned best, what true love really means. I give you 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

I kindly ask you to memorize this verse. It will guide you as you walk out this journey. I hope this helps.

-John

My Answer: What’s the Hardest Part of Being a Black Person?

 This is one of those “How big is the universe” kinds of questions because the answer will be as different as all 328M people in the United States. However, as a 58-year-old Black American, I would say the hardest part was learning that I was far more than just the complex polymer: melanin in my skin. In fact, it's less than 3% of all the chemicals in my body. So why do people make such a big fuss over it? The short answer is, it wasn’t hard for me. I chose not to identify with my race as others did.

I learned to be excellent and that is what I wanted people to know me for. I learned early on that some people were systematically taught not to expect much from me based on my race and would almost always underestimate me. It started in grade school. Grade school is the critical formative years. If I had to pinpoint where that happened for me there were two incidents.

1) Fourth Grade – My teacher assigned us a project to write our own story. I was an avid reader and had a vast imagination. I wrote my story and turned it in. When they were graded, everyone received their stories except me. I asked my teacher about my grade and she dismissingly stated that she was still grading it. Days later, my teacher asked my mother if I had a certain book at home (most kids had a toy box. Mine was a book box). She had already rifled through the many books inside and did not find the named book. The teacher obviously assumed that I plagiarized a published book. I received my assignment without an apology, explanation, or commendation. Little did she know, she revealed the significance of my work regardless.

2) Sixth Grade – My sixth-grade class was selected to perform a song for those who would be in attendance at our graduation ceremony. Our teacher loved 50s music and we were singing a 50's song. On the day of our last rehearsal, the accompanying pianist could not attend. I told my teacher that I could play it. I was 11 years old. He excitedly replied, “Show me!”I showed him by playing the piece in front of the whole class and we finished the rehearsal. 

My teacher was amazed. Little did he know, I was already playing full church services in my father’s church since I was eight. He wanted me to play it for the assembly. Suddenly there was a big flap about me playing instead of the school pianist. It was overridden and I played the program. On the day of, all the teachers and parents were amazed. Most had no idea that I could play the piano at all, at least that well.

I realized that I had two skills that exceeded their existing education system. One teacher didn’t acknowledge me for my writing talent and did not endorse my talent or me. My musical skill was recognized by a very savvy teacher thus, I was recognized and celebrated.

In both instances, the color of my skin had nothing to do with either. I learned that if I can be exceptional, and with a little faith, I will succeed in life.

Today I am a college-educated, Persian Gulf War Veteran, a 28-year Aviation Maintenance Expert, an Ordained Minister, a published author of 14 books, a screenplay writer, a holder of a U.S. Patent. I am also a BMI writer, and I have several pieces of music that is currently played on TV and radio. I am not done. I am working toward making my Sci-Fi novel into a single-feature, motion picture and I have many other projects in the queue. In short, I now know that I am made into the image of Almighty God and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I never view my race as an issue to overcome and simply proceed like it’s so.

-John

Photo by ZU photography on Unsplash

A Word To The Lonely During This Christmas Time

 It is no secret that depression increases over the holiday seasons. Many are away from family or the family dynamic may be dysfunctional so seeing some family members again can ramp up the stress. As a minister, I understand the power of prayer and the peace that you can receive from it. It is not magic or some spiritual incantation. It is simply a private conversation between you and God who, by the way, is excitingly waiting to hear your prayers. He will never share what you say with anyone else. Moreover, He has the ability to change your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual problems if you sincerely believe that He can and will.

That is still one of the reasons I read the Bible because there are people in there that at some point, experienced the same things that I do. I have shared one of the effective ways to deal with holiday stress and loneliness.

Here is an article from the world-renowned Mayo clinic on the subject.

You don't have to be alone. Reach out to someone that you haven't heard from in a while. Do your part to connect with someone who may be feeling like you.

Merry Christmas,

John

An Incredible True Christmas Story From WWII

 In the times and seasons that we find ourselves in, I wanted to post something that would give hope. It did not take long to find the touching story of "The Incredible True Christmas Story From WWII's Dark Days" by John Champion, December 25, 2017.

I am sure there were more stories that happened throughout Europe and if you know of any, please contact me. I would love to share them.

In the last days of the war in World War II, the German Army was attempting to make their final push against the allies. You could imagine fighting during the wet and cold, winter of Germany in 1944.

There is a small cottage on the German-Belgian border occupied by a mother and a 12-year-old boy named Fritz Vincken. A knock at the door broke the quietness of the house and in come three American soldiers, one of them seriously wounded. They were armed, desperately cold, on Christmas Eve. 

The Nazi Regime considered sheltering Allied soldiers as an act of high treason for a German citizen for which she could shot and her property confiscated. Yet, she invited them in any way and tended to their wounds.

It wasn't long before suddenly there was another knock at the door. In comes four Nazi soldiers. She took one of the biggest gambles of her natural life. She invited them and sternly told the cold and hungry soldiers that there would be no killing in her home that night. She and the boy had a fatted chicken that they were going to prepare for Christmas dinner. They prepared the feast for their Christmas guests.

They agreed to her terms and turned their weapons over the woman and they shared the meal together without so much as an insult.

The Christmas visit gets even better. One of the German soldiers was a medical student before the war began. Surprisingly, he began to treat the wounds of the American soldier. In the morning, the Germans gave the Americans their spare compass and directed them back to the allied forces. They even told them how to avoid all the Nazi-occupied areas. 

Over the years Fritz Vincken has been sharing the story over many years. It has been shared with "Reader's Digest," and even former President Ronald Reagan shared it once in a speech that he gave in Germany. 

In 1995, Fritz found one of the soldiers who had also been sharing the story also and for years. In this time and season, can't we put aside our differences for a while? Can't we stop the hostilities and appreciate the real meaning of Christmas? Let's start today.

-John