My Answer to: "What Common Mistakes Do Husbands & Wives Make In Their Relationship?"

 It is not very often that I am asked such an insightful question. Questions like these are beautiful because the answer can inform many couples that may be thinking the same thing. Here goes.

1) They do not refer to the Bible and pray for guidance - God is the inventor of marriage. He has the best advice and could help all couples avoid many issues they will face in a marriage-covenant relationship. Don’t leave Him out of your marriage. You make a covenant before God for a reason. The following are some examples. Kindly read them in other versions of the Bible like the Amplified, The Passion Translation or the New International Version.

Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get an understanding.

If you have yet to be taught or know little about marriage and relationships, I suggest you learn all you can. It will pay great dividends for the entirety of the relationship.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Many people are under the misconception that “love” is a feeling. In the context of scripture, love is a verb, something that we choose to do or not do, despite how we are treated or not treated. Our loving someone is not dependent on anything or anyone but ourselves. This is why Jesus can tell us to love our neighbors without knowing them. How much more a spouse?

1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV) 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The latest statistics say that 15% of couples in the U.S. suffer from a sexless marriage. If couples are people of integrity and will obey the guidance of the scripture, these numbers would be far less. If there are issues, you both are responsible for engaging and fixing it. This number is likely higher because most people are too embarrassed to discuss it or seek help.

2) They underestimate the power of marriage education - This may be similar to the first tip, but it is not. There are many sources in the form of books, podcasts, videos, and audiobooks that you could listen to on your commute to work. Weekly or monthly listening or reading time can add value and knowledge to your relationship skills.

Did you know that “coupling” is a skill? Did you know that your brain disables your ability to reason in the throws of a heated argument? You will learn these powerful things and more if you commit to it.

Finally, remember marriage seminars and retreats. They say couples should try to attend one per year.

3) They forget that mature adults communicate rather than guess or make assumptions - Marriage is for mature adults, and intelligent couples are fully aware of this. They know that communication in an intimate relationship vastly differs from how they communicate with family and friends.

They might also forget that active listening is the “key” component to effective communication. You may discover that developing an advanced method of listening to your partner versus to everyone else will make your relationship smoother and you will experience less conflicts. Once you achieve this, you will find it will work even better with family and friends. You will learn these tools and more from your marriage and relationship education.

4) Your relationship education should be obtained before you need it - How ridiculous would it be to have a town of 1200 people and no Fire Department? You would typically plan for this during the planning stage of your community. Likewise, learning and mastering relationship tools and skills before you need them is similar. When things go awry to the point where you discuss attending counseling, it may be too late. The kicker is you will likely be assigned books to read between your sessions anyway (I was).

5) Coming to terms with finances - Where there is mutual trust, let the more skilled person handle the finances. Of course, all decisions should be clearly understood and agreed upon. You should know your style of handling money if not in the dating stage, but certainly in the engagement stage. Some people are savers; some are spenders.

Again, there are great resources that you both should have a baseline understanding of so you can speak the same language. There are great courses online or at a community college. It would be something you could do together.

In closing, this was a great question. I hope this helped. If so, kindly leave a comment below. Thank you.

-John

My Answer to: "What or who is your source of sorrow? My husband makes me so sad and life unbearable."

 May I gently say that no one can make you feel one way or another? May I also say that you are choosing to feel how you feel. Could it be that are unknowingly giving your husband too much of your personal power? We will always be impacted by one thing or another. It is up to us, how we choose to respond, not react, to it.

Sorrow can also come from what you are exposing yourself to the most. Perhaps you are watching many hours of TV, movies, or reading romance novels? Whatever troubles that you have, will likely only be amplified by spending too much time partaking of these things. Perhaps you need some wisdom. I present to you; Proverbs 4:7 (CEB) 7 The beginning of wisdom: Get wisdom! Get understanding before anything else.

The same text that governs your marriage also has great suggestions on how to govern your thoughts. In the Bible, the book of Philippians says in chapter 4, verse 8 (NIV), 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I would kindly recommend that you consider improving yourself. The reason I say this, initially, many of us look outwardly when trying to analyze a problem. We might first consider starting with ourselves. May I ask, when was the last time you read a great marriage and relationship book, or attended a marriage seminar with your husband?

There are many great books, audiobooks, podcasts, and seminars that can show you different aspects, and best practices of love and relationships. Many seminars are even interactive. Sometimes we need to be impacted by better and more information than we have. It can give us opportunities for growth and great insight that we otherwise would not have been exposed to.

Why do you need this? We often have ingrained perceptions and stay within a certain circle of people. Thus, we get same kind of input. A fresh perspective can be refreshing, even vitally important. Our own actions or inactions, diet, lack of exercise, lack of water intake may contribute to your emotional state as well. I gently prompt you to start with a concise self-assessment.

In conclusion, you also said that you felt as if your life was unbearable. A change in afore mentioned things may be great for you and your daughter. As for your husband, while things are in the process of moving in the right direction, kindly choose to “love” your husband. The stance of scripture says that love is NOT primarily a feeling but a “verb,” something that we do. 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (CEB) 4 Love is patient, love is kind, it isn’t jealous, it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant, 5 it isn’t rude, it doesn’t seek its own advantage, it isn’t irritable, it doesn’t keep a record of complaints, 6 it isn’t happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth. 7 Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails.

-John