My Answer to: What are some tips for having a productive conversation with your spouse without getting into arguments?

 I would start with the wisdom of the Bible in the book of James. James 1:19-20 (NIV) says: 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

The word "righteousness" means "right standing with God." Since you used the word "spouse," it lets me know that at some point in your past, you and your spouse stood before a priest or officiant and entered into a marriage covenant before God. You did so to please God, and your vows were the scope by which you would do so.

I would also practice "active listening" versus "passive listening." It is a better way to have a conversation and will significantly assist you in developing and maintaining your marriage.

Active listening and James' advice are excellent ways of showing your love for your husband and being in right standing before God. When I say "love," I am talking about 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) love: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Touching while talking is an effective non-verbal way of letting your spouse know that you love them, no matter the difficulty of the topic. This can be done by simply touching their leg, shoulder, hand etc.

I would also become an avid learner about marriage and relationships. Reading great books can fast-track your progress. There is so much to learn, and the results will stabilize your relationship in an unexpected way.

-John

My Answer to: What are some of the most misunderstood aspects of relationships?

 Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) says: 7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

The greatest one is: 1) Many people do not get wisdom or understanding about intimate relationships and marriage before getting into them. The next two are significant as well. 2) That submitting yourself to another person and committing to a marital relationship demands that you die to yourself and do all that is humanly possible to maintain it. (Ephesians 5:21). 3) That both husbands and wives have the responsibility to protect the marriage, your spouse, and their wellbeing at all times, especially when they are not in your presence.

1)Wisdom and Understanding - We cannot do well, what we have not learned. Preparation is vital in camping, going on a hike, doing anything difficult that you have not successfully done before. Relationships and marriage are vital life events. You will need to learn what to do, why you are doing it, and when.

2)Dying to oneself requires a fierce commitment, humility, mindfulness, consideration, faithfulness and loyalty.

Commitment - I am talking the very same that you committed to your spouse on the day of your wedding-covenant. In other words, when you wake up in the morning, you replay the commitment that you made to your spouse before and after you said your vows… as if it were the first time.

Humility - Humility is a mindset that is soberly modest, and knows that you do not deserve all the good things that God richly gave you, but has done so anyway, including your spouse. Bless God for his grace and mercy by honoring the "gift" of a spouse He has given to you.

Mindfulness & Consideration - Are deliberate acts. You make yourself aware of your surroundings and the ones that you love. You remember that “love” is a verb in thought, word and deed: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Faithfulness and loyalty - Are two sides of the same coin. The definitions are: Faithfulness - 1) steadfast in affection or allegiance: Loyal. 2) firm in adherence to promised or in observance of duty: Conscientious. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Loyalty - the quality or state or an instance of being loyal. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).

What stands out for me in these two definitions is the attribute of being steadfast and adherence to a promise or in observance of duty.

Being steadfast is an attribute that is taught and developed over time. I was taught not just with words but by observing my mom and dad. Yes, they had their flaws as we all do, but I observed them keeping their word to us and other people even to the point of their own inconvenience. As adults we can teach ourselves the same, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. In short, live a life of integrity no matter what anyone says.

3) Protecting each other as husbands and wives should be a very basic trait but clearly it is not. Men are taught very young to protect the weak and those who cannot protect themselves. Women have this natural trait when it comes to protecting their children.

Dare I say that a slight adjustment may be needed? The Bible teaches that God’s purpose for marriage is Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15-16). It has also been established through statistical analysis that the best environment in which to raise a child is within a two parent home, in the context of scripture. That said, both wife and husband need to protect each other from negative outside influences. What do I mean?

We are given direction from the book of Philippians 4:8 (KJV) Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

The proper protection of one’s marriage and family stems from these words. Your “Thought Life” can keep you on the straight and narrow, or it can take you down. Be mindful of your thoughts. If they are not what they should be, quickly change them. The choice is yours. I kindly recommend that you choose the kinds of thoughts that benefit your life.

The onslaught of negative Films, TV shows, biased publications that inaccurately depict the nature of men, that degrade men, fathers, and the “rightful” place of father’s in the home. These need to be avoided by mothers who consume such content as likely her girlfriends that additionally raise their children in a home that exposes them to the same.

Most of the content on TV, in magazines, etc. do not promote what Philippians 4:8 says. It is deliberate.

The research is readily available concerning the staggering divorce statistics and by those who initiate divorce the most. That said, just as a couple should be faithful not to commit adultery, they should also be faithful to protect their own eyes, ears, mind, and heart from content that will lead them astray. The result is likely the compromise of their own hearts, thus leading to events that eventually will compromise their own relationships and marriage. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) states: 23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

In closing, recognizing and dealing with such aspects is not an easy task. This likely takes more discipline than most people are willing to admit to and give, but it can be developed over time with prayer and effort if one is willing. This is the unspoken part of the marriage conversation that is rarely discussed and nowadays, rarely consistently practiced. However, wisdom, understanding, dying to oneself, and protection are vital elements in a successful long-term relationship, if you dare.

God loves His children and wants us to succeed. We do not have to navigate relationships and marriage without the necessary help, guidance and instructions. I encourage you to pray, study what the Bible says about many other topics that will affect your relationships and marriage. I encourage you to read great books on marriage and relationships and develop yourself into a partner that He and you would be proud of.

-John

My Answer to the Question: "Why is it hard for a man to marry you once you are staying together?"

 

Despite what modern-day women or feminists say, men are the prize, not women. It is a fact that there are more marriage-eligible women than men. More men refuse to marry in the current hostile marital climate making the number of marriage-eligible men even less.

This is likely due to the threat that 84% of all divorces are initiated by women, that the courts and child support system is biased against men, and that whether or not a wife cheats or files for divorce over the most ridiculous reasons, she will likely get half of everything they built during the marriage relationship. This transfer of the man's wealth is forced even though she likely brought very little in terms of assets into the relationship.

That said, he also may not be inclined to marry you because of how you allowed him to treat you. To be honest, men are hunters, and if you didn’t make him work for it, for him the hunt is over. One of the most exciting things about hunting is the challenge brought by the prey.

In the beginning, you probably wouldn’t have given him the time of day. You made him ask you on a date no less than three times before you accepted. When he got the date, the next challenge for him would be the first kiss. Perhaps weeks go by and he finally gets it!

Fast forward, a few dates later you two are behaving like a married couple, you moved in together (Mistake) even though there is no clear commitment, no ring, no date. This is a huge mistake. First marriage cannot be simulated. Second, there is no established committee to stay and work things out no matter what as in a real marital relationship. That said, as far as he’s concerned, he's got his prize. No need to pursue or hunt anymore. Now on to the next hunt. Unfortunately, whatever that is, you can believe, it’s not you anymore.

Ladies, the courting process is the only opportunity that you may have to make him value you and do so for life. If you treat yourself inexpensively, so will he. May I remind you that you are made in the image and likeness of God? It is true, we teach others how to treat us. Have him meet the parents and ask permission! This is still a time-honored tradition in many foreign countries to this day and one that can potentially save you tremendous pain and suffering. Parents have more experience with people and may likely see things that you may miss about your potential partner.

The obvious question may be: “What do men want in a wife? May I suggest as stated by the late Kevin Samuels, that men want women who are:

- Attractive

- Are cooperative, smart, and agreeable

- Fit

- Are affectionate, accommodating, subtle

- Are disciplined and discerning

-Feminine (Not strong and independent)

-Naturally nurturing

- Carefree, loving, easygoing

If this is not you, this could be the answer to your question. If this is so, I would start by reading great marriage and relationship books. You cannot use what you have not learned. If you have issues and know it, get therapy and work on yourself. If you are not fit, go to the gym, and get fit.

To be clear, the competition for a good man is high. There are already ladies that have done the work, who are fit, ready, and likely even younger than you who are competing for the same men. Raise your level to get the type of man that would be willing to marry you, in spite of all the reasons I mentioned that men are comfortable with. May I include offering to sign a prenup that may sweeten the deal if you are truly willing to enter into a marriage covenant for life?

In closing, this next piece of advice is hard. If he’s settled in and there is no sign of a marriage commitment after a year, have him move out into his own place. This time, if he wants you, make him earn you, and goodness sakes, do NOT sleep with him until after the wedding. Women in the past generations understood this principle and nearly all who wanted to be married got married. In best case scenario he will. Better case scenario, he leaves and someone else who is willing to earn you, will!

-John

My Answer to: "What's So Bad About a Prenup?"

What is bad about a prenuptial agreement is you shouldn't have to have one. It can be compared to Moses, allowing husbands in their day, to write a letter of divorce because husbands would kill their wives to get out of a marriage.

A prenup projects to the person that you are about to marry that they cannot be trusted to be who they say they are and to do what they say they will do. In my humble opinion, if you cannot trust the person in the first place, do not marry them. This goes for both men and women. Since you are likely a man asking this question, I will answer in kind. Unfortunately, over time this happens all too frequently. Statistics also say that people can pretend to be someone that they are not for approximately nine months. This is why waiting to marry them for twelve months is vitally important.

I believe that statistics say now that from 75-80% of divorces are initiated by women. Why is this? Could it be that all the men who married them were mistaken or is there possibly another reason for this? I will answer your question by first answering these.

1) Women file for divorce because both husband and wife do not understand what a marriage covenant is and what it truly means before getting married. They have likely bought into the societal notion that marriage is simply a contract. It is NOT. Based on their misunderstanding, they act accordingly.

2) Most women may not understand that marriage is not designed primarily for happiness, but for purpose. When things start getting tough, instead of going through the tough times together, they quit. I liken marriage similar to two pilots flying a jumbo jet full of passengers, all 524 of them. They begin to suffer turbulence, even severe turbulence and your copilot bails out of the aircraft, leaving the Captain to land the aircraft solo. Beware of women who haven't gone through tough times in one form or another.

3) In the United States, decades of feminism have crept into the justice system and thus the courts. That said, the courts usually will involuntarily transfer the husband’s wealth to the wife no matter the reason for the divorce, especially when there are children involved. In other words, wives can misbehave, cheat, lie, and steal, and divorce their husbands even though she was at fault. Win, win for her as she keeps her new boyfriend. If there were consequences for misbehavior, this would likely make wives reconsider and perhaps not make divorce their first choice.

4) Husbands usually have built careers, businesses, etc., and have great assets to support a wife and family before getting married. Coming into a marriage with these same assets can be a curse because the wife usually has little or no skin in the marriage game the way that the husband does. Therefore, she can enter the marriage with meager financial assets, and on a whim, choose to leave far better off than she came.

The prenup is a legal vehicle to try to mitigate the great loss of assets a husband will likely experience if his wife decides that she wants to join the 75-80% of women who file for divorce in the United States. I say “try” because unfortunately, for the reasons I previously stated, a biased judge can throw the prenup completely out and choose not to accept it for whatever assumptions or reason that they prefer. There is then nothing the husband can do about it. Even so, you can put a term limit on it. For example, if you both stay married for 10 years, you can stipulate that the prenup will terminate after ten years or whatever term you specify.

My first answer to your question is based on the book of Proverbs 4:7 (KJV) 7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

You can attempt to do your very best to vet the person that you are going to marry. Make sure they have read any number of marriage and relationship books while in the dating phase. Attending regular church services together significantly reduces the risk of divorce according to author Shaunti Feldhahn in her book “The Good News About Marriage - Debunking Discouraging Myths About Marriage and Divorce.”  Even so, the longevity of your marriage would still not be guaranteed.

My second answer would be to trust God with the selection of your wife. He can see into the future. He knows you better than you do. He knows who, and where the best match for you would be and you will never need a prenup. That’s what I am now doing after getting divorced. God’s selection will be far better than mine.

-John

Photo by Andre Jackson on Unsplash

My Answer: How Do I Find My True Wife?

In my humble opinion, finding a wife is not about discovering her. In the Bible, there are a number of accounts that I will reference to assist you. If you are prepared for her, and you are praying for her, God will bring her to you, like He brought Eve to Adam, Rachel to Isaac, and Ruth to Boaz.

Too many men assume that they are prepared. What sense would it make for God to send you a beautiful, and honorable wife (His daughter) and you cause her to cry out to Him in anguish as the result of your misbehavior and mistreatment of her? He wouldn't until you were ready. The following are a few points to consider.

1) Have you prepared yourself with knowledge, wisdom, and understanding? -Proverbs 4:7 (KJV) says: 7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

The marriage covenant is very serious. As her husband, you need to know what you are doing and where you both are going. If you do not know what a covenant is, how will you lead her? If you are without knowledge, how will you build a life with her that will make her feel secure? Your education should cover the following:

a) Learning that Love is A Verb (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

b) Marriage and relationships

c) Effective Communication

d) Financial Responsibility & Planning

e) Being the Spiritual Leader in Your Home

f) Providing for her within your means

g) Leading from the front in love

h) Knowing How to Apologize Effectively

i) Forgiveness

j) Having an Active Prayer Life

k) Having a vision for yourself, your family and helping with her vision

There are more but these might get you a good portion of the way. Boaz is a great example of a man who is prepared to receive a wife. You can research him in the book of Ruth. There are great resources to help you with these topics. Here is a list that may help.

2) Great Partners Will Recognize Each Other – The best way to find a great partner is to be one. A man should know what scripture says about a wife: Proverbs 18:22 (NIV) He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. There is additional insight in Proverbs 31:10-31 as well.

Women like this need a man who is considerate. Are you? As a single man, you might tend to be self-centered, looking out for only yourself right now. Volunteering is a great way to learn consideration and to meet people. People who volunteer their time helping others are likely very considerate, can emphasize easily with others, and are usually very kind. People like this are usually attractive.

3) A Good Partner is Chaste – In today’s hook-up culture, people feel that if they cannot sleep with you, how will they know what they are getting long-term? They want to test drive the car, so to speak. But a person who is chaste is one who is particular and clearly has a healthy sense of self. They are content and don’t mind waiting for the “one.” These are those that are “married-for-life” people and the type of person that you want. In short, they are looking for someone similar.

4) A Good Partner is One Who Prays – We will not have all the answers. There will be times that we will face problems that only God, Himself will have the answers to. This is where having a prayer life comes in. Marriage, love, and covenant are all God’s ideas. Having a partner that prays is precious. They will see you as made in His image and will likely know what the scriptures already say about marriage. Having a lifelong marriage is only possible with God’s help. He will help you both fulfill His purpose for your life individually and as a couple.

5) Understanding That Becoming "One" Is a Process - In the book of Genesis, God said the following: Genesis 2:24 (NIV) 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

This means that becoming "one" is a process that will take time if you will be patient with your spouse and humbly allow it. God will use you both to develop you into your best selves. Patience, care, love, and forgiveness will be required.

In closing, Reading, listening to audiobooks, watching videos, etc. alone won't get the job done. You will have to put it all into practice and on a daily basis. I trust that this helped you.

You can find this and other articles written by John on Quora here.

-John