My Answer to: "What Common Mistakes Do Husbands & Wives Make In Their Relationship?"

 It is not very often that I am asked such an insightful question. Questions like these are beautiful because the answer can inform many couples that may be thinking the same thing. Here goes.

1) They do not refer to the Bible and pray for guidance - God is the inventor of marriage. He has the best advice and could help all couples avoid many issues they will face in a marriage-covenant relationship. Don’t leave Him out of your marriage. You make a covenant before God for a reason. The following are some examples. Kindly read them in other versions of the Bible like the Amplified, The Passion Translation or the New International Version.

Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it costs all you have, get an understanding.

If you have yet to be taught or know little about marriage and relationships, I suggest you learn all you can. It will pay great dividends for the entirety of the relationship.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Many people are under the misconception that “love” is a feeling. In the context of scripture, love is a verb, something that we choose to do or not do, despite how we are treated or not treated. Our loving someone is not dependent on anything or anyone but ourselves. This is why Jesus can tell us to love our neighbors without knowing them. How much more a spouse?

1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV) 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The latest statistics say that 15% of couples in the U.S. suffer from a sexless marriage. If couples are people of integrity and will obey the guidance of the scripture, these numbers would be far less. If there are issues, you both are responsible for engaging and fixing it. This number is likely higher because most people are too embarrassed to discuss it or seek help.

2) They underestimate the power of marriage education - This may be similar to the first tip, but it is not. There are many sources in the form of books, podcasts, videos, and audiobooks that you could listen to on your commute to work. Weekly or monthly listening or reading time can add value and knowledge to your relationship skills.

Did you know that “coupling” is a skill? Did you know that your brain disables your ability to reason in the throws of a heated argument? You will learn these powerful things and more if you commit to it.

Finally, remember marriage seminars and retreats. They say couples should try to attend one per year.

3) They forget that mature adults communicate rather than guess or make assumptions - Marriage is for mature adults, and intelligent couples are fully aware of this. They know that communication in an intimate relationship vastly differs from how they communicate with family and friends.

They might also forget that active listening is the “key” component to effective communication. You may discover that developing an advanced method of listening to your partner versus to everyone else will make your relationship smoother and you will experience less conflicts. Once you achieve this, you will find it will work even better with family and friends. You will learn these tools and more from your marriage and relationship education.

4) Your relationship education should be obtained before you need it - How ridiculous would it be to have a town of 1200 people and no Fire Department? You would typically plan for this during the planning stage of your community. Likewise, learning and mastering relationship tools and skills before you need them is similar. When things go awry to the point where you discuss attending counseling, it may be too late. The kicker is you will likely be assigned books to read between your sessions anyway (I was).

5) Coming to terms with finances - Where there is mutual trust, let the more skilled person handle the finances. Of course, all decisions should be clearly understood and agreed upon. You should know your style of handling money if not in the dating stage, but certainly in the engagement stage. Some people are savers; some are spenders.

Again, there are great resources that you both should have a baseline understanding of so you can speak the same language. There are great courses online or at a community college. It would be something you could do together.

In closing, this was a great question. I hope this helped. If so, kindly leave a comment below. Thank you.

-John

My Answer to: What are the benefits of getting legally married instead of just living together as partners for life without going through all the hassle of paperwork and ceremonies etc.?

There are Biblical reasons why marriage is an excellent choice and terrible reasons why you shouldn't consider it if you plan to live in the United States. I will share my humble opinion.

Marriage versus living together are NOT the same. Marriage can not be simulated. Marriage is recognized and ordained by God Himself. He watches over it, blesses it, and the marriage covenant is considered a form of government as far as He is concerned. God's recognition of your marriage as a government, can yield "government' like blessings, recognition and generational blessings and stability.

Living together is none of these things and if you're having sex outside of marriage, He considers that fornication, which prevents Him from blessing you and your partner. This is not His best for you.

Any man and woman who are considering marriage, must first put away any notion of what modern society teaches, portrays in TV, films, magazines, and the education system concerning what marriage is and isn't. Why? Because society, filmmakers, article writers, and network TY producers did not create marriage. Thus their notions and advice are irrelevant.

Any couple should thoroughly examine and understand the origin of marriage in the context of Biblical principles. Why? Because God created it for a specific purpose.

If you do not know that purpose, you will likely be unaware and probably marry for the wrong reasons. As a result, you both live frustrated lives and eventually divorce.

Secondly, if your intentions were to begin with the end in mind, you won't get married only to divorce. 

Most people who desire marriage do not educate themselves before getting engaged. Reading relevant books, listening to audiobooks and watching relevant videos would be vitally helpful to you and your relationship. The following are the benefits.

Exclusivity, companionship, emotional safety, and care - God created marriage for companionship, Genesis 2:18 (NIV) 18 The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

The word "suitable": in this context is the Hebrew word "need." which means:  in front of, in sight of, or opposite to. In this context, opposite means two complementary or mutually exclusive (limited to only one person or group of people). The word mutual means: In a mutual manner, reciprocally, in a manner of giving and receiving (Cambridge Dictionary).

So you can see, from the beginning, marriage was designed for companionship and care to be mutually shared by a specific and exclusive person. This provides for emotional safety, comfort, security, and care.

The husband receives the blessing of God on his life and household - Proverbs 18:22 (NIV) 22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

God desires to bless you and your family. If you follow His direction and instructions, you open the ability for God to bless you, your family, and everything you do and have. You can see exactly what this means in Deuteronomy 28:1-14.

You are in covenant with God and your spouse, God becomes a witness in your marriage, He blesses you with children (a bloodline), to be raised in Godly principles - Malachi 2:13-16 (NIV) 13 Another thing you do: You flood the Lord's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

16 "The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the Lord, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect," says the Lord Almighty.

So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

We see the term covenant in Genesis 9:13 when God promises with a covenant, a solemn oath never to destroy the Earth with water again. According to the King James Bible, the oath requires one to "do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth." Adhering to covenant principals protects your bloodline, stabilizes the family, and establishes standards for your generations to follow.

If you are a person of integrity and faith and have chosen a partner that shares your same values, your life and marriage will be blessed. It will last its intended term, which in the Biblical context is for life. A life like this is hard to beat. 

The following comment is for men. According to published statistics, women are now cheating more than men. For example, 34% of husbands are raising children that are not biologically their own, and women initiate 84% of all divorces in the United States. This number jumps to 94% if college educated. 

Women are favored by the courts so men lose terribly in most divorces. The man's accumulated wealth is redistributed by biased judges. Wives often win even if they cheated in their marriages. The child support system provides great wealth for the states so it is to their benefit to put men in the system. 

Additionally, women are also favored by the courts when it comes to child custody. Men are having to fight in the courts to see their own children.

As of this writing, if you happen to live in the United States, and due to the indoctrination of feminism in nearly every area of society, finding a wife with traditional Biblical values will likely be challenging. Therefore, I suggest going overseas, where you are most likely to find partners with traditional family values that you can marry for life. Marry her in her own country and live there. I would not consider bringing her to the United States only to be negatively influenced.

What are your thoughts about this? Please leave your comments below.

-John

My Answer to: What are some tips for having a productive conversation with your spouse without getting into arguments?

 I would start with the wisdom of the Bible in the book of James. James 1:19-20 (NIV) says: 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

The word "righteousness" means "right standing with God." Since you used the word "spouse," it lets me know that at some point in your past, you and your spouse stood before a priest or officiant and entered into a marriage covenant before God. You did so to please God, and your vows were the scope by which you would do so.

I would also practice "active listening" versus "passive listening." It is a better way to have a conversation and will significantly assist you in developing and maintaining your marriage.

Active listening and James' advice are excellent ways of showing your love for your husband and being in right standing before God. When I say "love," I am talking about 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) love: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Touching while talking is an effective non-verbal way of letting your spouse know that you love them, no matter the difficulty of the topic. This can be done by simply touching their leg, shoulder, hand etc.

I would also become an avid learner about marriage and relationships. Reading great books can fast-track your progress. There is so much to learn, and the results will stabilize your relationship in an unexpected way.

-John

My Answer to: What are some of the most misunderstood aspects of relationships?

 Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) says: 7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

The greatest one is: 1) Many people do not get wisdom or understanding about intimate relationships and marriage before getting into them. The next two are significant as well. 2) That submitting yourself to another person and committing to a marital relationship demands that you die to yourself and do all that is humanly possible to maintain it. (Ephesians 5:21). 3) That both husbands and wives have the responsibility to protect the marriage, your spouse, and their wellbeing at all times, especially when they are not in your presence.

1)Wisdom and Understanding - We cannot do well, what we have not learned. Preparation is vital in camping, going on a hike, doing anything difficult that you have not successfully done before. Relationships and marriage are vital life events. You will need to learn what to do, why you are doing it, and when.

2)Dying to oneself requires a fierce commitment, humility, mindfulness, consideration, faithfulness and loyalty.

Commitment - I am talking the very same that you committed to your spouse on the day of your wedding-covenant. In other words, when you wake up in the morning, you replay the commitment that you made to your spouse before and after you said your vows… as if it were the first time.

Humility - Humility is a mindset that is soberly modest, and knows that you do not deserve all the good things that God richly gave you, but has done so anyway, including your spouse. Bless God for his grace and mercy by honoring the "gift" of a spouse He has given to you.

Mindfulness & Consideration - Are deliberate acts. You make yourself aware of your surroundings and the ones that you love. You remember that “love” is a verb in thought, word and deed: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Faithfulness and loyalty - Are two sides of the same coin. The definitions are: Faithfulness - 1) steadfast in affection or allegiance: Loyal. 2) firm in adherence to promised or in observance of duty: Conscientious. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Loyalty - the quality or state or an instance of being loyal. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).

What stands out for me in these two definitions is the attribute of being steadfast and adherence to a promise or in observance of duty.

Being steadfast is an attribute that is taught and developed over time. I was taught not just with words but by observing my mom and dad. Yes, they had their flaws as we all do, but I observed them keeping their word to us and other people even to the point of their own inconvenience. As adults we can teach ourselves the same, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. In short, live a life of integrity no matter what anyone says.

3) Protecting each other as husbands and wives should be a very basic trait but clearly it is not. Men are taught very young to protect the weak and those who cannot protect themselves. Women have this natural trait when it comes to protecting their children.

Dare I say that a slight adjustment may be needed? The Bible teaches that God’s purpose for marriage is Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15-16). It has also been established through statistical analysis that the best environment in which to raise a child is within a two parent home, in the context of scripture. That said, both wife and husband need to protect each other from negative outside influences. What do I mean?

We are given direction from the book of Philippians 4:8 (KJV) Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

The proper protection of one’s marriage and family stems from these words. Your “Thought Life” can keep you on the straight and narrow, or it can take you down. Be mindful of your thoughts. If they are not what they should be, quickly change them. The choice is yours. I kindly recommend that you choose the kinds of thoughts that benefit your life.

The onslaught of negative Films, TV shows, biased publications that inaccurately depict the nature of men, that degrade men, fathers, and the “rightful” place of father’s in the home. These need to be avoided by mothers who consume such content as likely her girlfriends that additionally raise their children in a home that exposes them to the same.

Most of the content on TV, in magazines, etc. do not promote what Philippians 4:8 says. It is deliberate.

The research is readily available concerning the staggering divorce statistics and by those who initiate divorce the most. That said, just as a couple should be faithful not to commit adultery, they should also be faithful to protect their own eyes, ears, mind, and heart from content that will lead them astray. The result is likely the compromise of their own hearts, thus leading to events that eventually will compromise their own relationships and marriage. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) states: 23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

In closing, recognizing and dealing with such aspects is not an easy task. This likely takes more discipline than most people are willing to admit to and give, but it can be developed over time with prayer and effort if one is willing. This is the unspoken part of the marriage conversation that is rarely discussed and nowadays, rarely consistently practiced. However, wisdom, understanding, dying to oneself, and protection are vital elements in a successful long-term relationship, if you dare.

God loves His children and wants us to succeed. We do not have to navigate relationships and marriage without the necessary help, guidance and instructions. I encourage you to pray, study what the Bible says about many other topics that will affect your relationships and marriage. I encourage you to read great books on marriage and relationships and develop yourself into a partner that He and you would be proud of.

-John

My Answer to: "Are there any effective strategies to help a couple communicate more effectively regarding marital issues?"

 Thank you for the question. What comes to mind for me are several strategies that I will share. They will come from several sources starting with the Bible.

The first comes from the book of Proverbs, 1 Peter and then James. Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) 7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

The Amplified Bible (AMPC) says it this way: 7 The beginning of Wisdom is: get Wisdom (skillful and godly Wisdom)! [For skillful and godly Wisdom is the principal thing.] And with all you have gotten, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation).

1 Peter 3:7 (AMPC) 7 In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]

James 2:19-21 (NIV) 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Proverbs 4:7 says that we are to obtain wisdom. When you got a job, someone had to teach you how to do what you were hired for. You might have received training, even formal training. Why? Because it would be ridiculous to try to put you to work when you did not know what you were doing.

That said, how do you expect to be married to another person without knowledge? When was the last time that you read a book about marriage and relationships? Knowing what to do can fast-track your knowledge thus your results. This article is one example.

In 1 Peter, men are called to live considerately with an intelligent recognition of the marriage relationship. He is also to honor the wife, which means to give "high respect, great esteem." Intelligence comes by making an effort to learn things that you did not previously know. For example, did you know that if a husband and wife argue to the point where the situation becomes heated, a hormone is released in the brain. This causes a part of your brain to switch your brain over to a “fight or flight” mode. James warns us NOT to become angry.

In this state, you become physiologically unable to intelligently reason. At this point, most couples keep trying and make matters worse. It will take approximately four hours for the condition to subside. If you knew this beforehand you could now recognize what is happening and respond in kind. I learned this by reading a book titled “Wired for Love '' by Dr. Stan Tatkin. Reading marriage and relationship books is a very effective strategy to improve your marriage.

In James, Chapter 2, he is wise to suggest that we do more listening than talking. In the midst of a disagreement, even an argument, our focus is usually to be heard. In fact, the ultimate goal for any form of effective communication is NOT to be heard but to be understood. It takes a certain amount of humility to truly listen to someone else. This is where many couples miss the whole point of communication.

First, a couple should humble themselves. Remembering that you both promised on your wedding day that you would love each other. Humbling oneself enough and being patient enough to listen without any other agenda but to understand IS an act of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

In closing, I realize that what I have explained is more than you anticipated. Most people do not like to read, and statistics say that 65% of people haven’t likely read a single book since graduating high school or college. Since you asked me such an insightful question, I believe you to be in the 35% of those who will.

Finally, Peter mentioned “that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off.” This means that you should be praying. I pray on a daily basis, and I find prayer to be a very effective strategy. Prayer is simply talking to God, having a respectful conversation (There are great books on prayer). I highly recommend that you pray for yourselves and each other as you go through the process. Journaling can help as well to fine-tune the education process. I hope this helped.

-John