My Answer to: What are some of the most misunderstood aspects of relationships?

 Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) says: 7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

The greatest one is: 1) Many people do not get wisdom or understanding about intimate relationships and marriage before getting into them. The next two are significant as well. 2) That submitting yourself to another person and committing to a marital relationship demands that you die to yourself and do all that is humanly possible to maintain it. (Ephesians 5:21). 3) That both husbands and wives have the responsibility to protect the marriage, your spouse, and their wellbeing at all times, especially when they are not in your presence.

1)Wisdom and Understanding - We cannot do well, what we have not learned. Preparation is vital in camping, going on a hike, doing anything difficult that you have not successfully done before. Relationships and marriage are vital life events. You will need to learn what to do, why you are doing it, and when.

2)Dying to oneself requires a fierce commitment, humility, mindfulness, consideration, faithfulness and loyalty.

Commitment - I am talking the very same that you committed to your spouse on the day of your wedding-covenant. In other words, when you wake up in the morning, you replay the commitment that you made to your spouse before and after you said your vows… as if it were the first time.

Humility - Humility is a mindset that is soberly modest, and knows that you do not deserve all the good things that God richly gave you, but has done so anyway, including your spouse. Bless God for his grace and mercy by honoring the "gift" of a spouse He has given to you.

Mindfulness & Consideration - Are deliberate acts. You make yourself aware of your surroundings and the ones that you love. You remember that “love” is a verb in thought, word and deed: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Faithfulness and loyalty - Are two sides of the same coin. The definitions are: Faithfulness - 1) steadfast in affection or allegiance: Loyal. 2) firm in adherence to promised or in observance of duty: Conscientious. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Loyalty - the quality or state or an instance of being loyal. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).

What stands out for me in these two definitions is the attribute of being steadfast and adherence to a promise or in observance of duty.

Being steadfast is an attribute that is taught and developed over time. I was taught not just with words but by observing my mom and dad. Yes, they had their flaws as we all do, but I observed them keeping their word to us and other people even to the point of their own inconvenience. As adults we can teach ourselves the same, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. In short, live a life of integrity no matter what anyone says.

3) Protecting each other as husbands and wives should be a very basic trait but clearly it is not. Men are taught very young to protect the weak and those who cannot protect themselves. Women have this natural trait when it comes to protecting their children.

Dare I say that a slight adjustment may be needed? The Bible teaches that God’s purpose for marriage is Godly offspring (Malachi 2:15-16). It has also been established through statistical analysis that the best environment in which to raise a child is within a two parent home, in the context of scripture. That said, both wife and husband need to protect each other from negative outside influences. What do I mean?

We are given direction from the book of Philippians 4:8 (KJV) Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

The proper protection of one’s marriage and family stems from these words. Your “Thought Life” can keep you on the straight and narrow, or it can take you down. Be mindful of your thoughts. If they are not what they should be, quickly change them. The choice is yours. I kindly recommend that you choose the kinds of thoughts that benefit your life.

The onslaught of negative Films, TV shows, biased publications that inaccurately depict the nature of men, that degrade men, fathers, and the “rightful” place of father’s in the home. These need to be avoided by mothers who consume such content as likely her girlfriends that additionally raise their children in a home that exposes them to the same.

Most of the content on TV, in magazines, etc. do not promote what Philippians 4:8 says. It is deliberate.

The research is readily available concerning the staggering divorce statistics and by those who initiate divorce the most. That said, just as a couple should be faithful not to commit adultery, they should also be faithful to protect their own eyes, ears, mind, and heart from content that will lead them astray. The result is likely the compromise of their own hearts, thus leading to events that eventually will compromise their own relationships and marriage. Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) states: 23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

In closing, recognizing and dealing with such aspects is not an easy task. This likely takes more discipline than most people are willing to admit to and give, but it can be developed over time with prayer and effort if one is willing. This is the unspoken part of the marriage conversation that is rarely discussed and nowadays, rarely consistently practiced. However, wisdom, understanding, dying to oneself, and protection are vital elements in a successful long-term relationship, if you dare.

God loves His children and wants us to succeed. We do not have to navigate relationships and marriage without the necessary help, guidance and instructions. I encourage you to pray, study what the Bible says about many other topics that will affect your relationships and marriage. I encourage you to read great books on marriage and relationships and develop yourself into a partner that He and you would be proud of.

-John

"What in marriage is very difficult to accept in the beginning? - A Wedding Is Where A Couple Goes to Die

 When people consider getting married, they may not fully examine the fact that marriage is NOT a contract but a covenant and its origin comes from God (Genesis 2:22-25). That said, what might be very difficult to understand and to accept is that when you go before God to be married, you are literally going before an altar. Based on the statutes that God laid out to His people concerning the operation of the temple, the altar is a place where things go to die and are burned up as a sacrifice.

In short, when you go before the priest or officiant, who stands in proxy for Him, both man and woman are saying to each other, before God and the world “I die to myself and make this marriage covenant to my spouse the priority after God, even above my own wants and desires.”

This is further confirmed in Ephesians 5:21 (AMPC) 21 Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

Imagine how different marriages would be today if couples seriously internalized what I shared?  If each and everyone abided by this, it is likely that divorce lawyers would not be so busy.

When we know better, we should make an effort with all of our might, to do better. I pray that all who are considering getting married, even those currently married, would take the time to seriously reflect and consider in your heart individually and together, what this means for you. I kindly suggest that you would even pray on it and ask God for a deeper revelation. He loves you and would certainly answer such a prayer.

Yielding to the process of dying to oneself will be His expectation for you both as you grow together as a married couple. I trust that this helped you and all those who read this.

-John

My Answer to: "Are there any effective strategies to help a couple communicate more effectively regarding marital issues?"

 Thank you for the question. What comes to mind for me are several strategies that I will share. They will come from several sources starting with the Bible.

The first comes from the book of Proverbs, 1 Peter and then James. Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) 7 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

The Amplified Bible (AMPC) says it this way: 7 The beginning of Wisdom is: get Wisdom (skillful and godly Wisdom)! [For skillful and godly Wisdom is the principal thing.] And with all you have gotten, get understanding (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation).

1 Peter 3:7 (AMPC) 7 In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]

James 2:19-21 (NIV) 19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Proverbs 4:7 says that we are to obtain wisdom. When you got a job, someone had to teach you how to do what you were hired for. You might have received training, even formal training. Why? Because it would be ridiculous to try to put you to work when you did not know what you were doing.

That said, how do you expect to be married to another person without knowledge? When was the last time that you read a book about marriage and relationships? Knowing what to do can fast-track your knowledge thus your results. This article is one example.

In 1 Peter, men are called to live considerately with an intelligent recognition of the marriage relationship. He is also to honor the wife, which means to give "high respect, great esteem." Intelligence comes by making an effort to learn things that you did not previously know. For example, did you know that if a husband and wife argue to the point where the situation becomes heated, a hormone is released in the brain. This causes a part of your brain to switch your brain over to a “fight or flight” mode. James warns us NOT to become angry.

In this state, you become physiologically unable to intelligently reason. At this point, most couples keep trying and make matters worse. It will take approximately four hours for the condition to subside. If you knew this beforehand you could now recognize what is happening and respond in kind. I learned this by reading a book titled “Wired for Love '' by Dr. Stan Tatkin. Reading marriage and relationship books is a very effective strategy to improve your marriage.

In James, Chapter 2, he is wise to suggest that we do more listening than talking. In the midst of a disagreement, even an argument, our focus is usually to be heard. In fact, the ultimate goal for any form of effective communication is NOT to be heard but to be understood. It takes a certain amount of humility to truly listen to someone else. This is where many couples miss the whole point of communication.

First, a couple should humble themselves. Remembering that you both promised on your wedding day that you would love each other. Humbling oneself enough and being patient enough to listen without any other agenda but to understand IS an act of love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).

In closing, I realize that what I have explained is more than you anticipated. Most people do not like to read, and statistics say that 65% of people haven’t likely read a single book since graduating high school or college. Since you asked me such an insightful question, I believe you to be in the 35% of those who will.

Finally, Peter mentioned “that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off.” This means that you should be praying. I pray on a daily basis, and I find prayer to be a very effective strategy. Prayer is simply talking to God, having a respectful conversation (There are great books on prayer). I highly recommend that you pray for yourselves and each other as you go through the process. Journaling can help as well to fine-tune the education process. I hope this helped.

-John

My Answer to: "What or who is your source of sorrow? My husband makes me so sad and life unbearable."

 May I gently say that no one can make you feel one way or another? May I also say that you are choosing to feel how you feel. Could it be that are unknowingly giving your husband too much of your personal power? We will always be impacted by one thing or another. It is up to us, how we choose to respond, not react, to it.

Sorrow can also come from what you are exposing yourself to the most. Perhaps you are watching many hours of TV, movies, or reading romance novels? Whatever troubles that you have, will likely only be amplified by spending too much time partaking of these things. Perhaps you need some wisdom. I present to you; Proverbs 4:7 (CEB) 7 The beginning of wisdom: Get wisdom! Get understanding before anything else.

The same text that governs your marriage also has great suggestions on how to govern your thoughts. In the Bible, the book of Philippians says in chapter 4, verse 8 (NIV), 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I would kindly recommend that you consider improving yourself. The reason I say this, initially, many of us look outwardly when trying to analyze a problem. We might first consider starting with ourselves. May I ask, when was the last time you read a great marriage and relationship book, or attended a marriage seminar with your husband?

There are many great books, audiobooks, podcasts, and seminars that can show you different aspects, and best practices of love and relationships. Many seminars are even interactive. Sometimes we need to be impacted by better and more information than we have. It can give us opportunities for growth and great insight that we otherwise would not have been exposed to.

Why do you need this? We often have ingrained perceptions and stay within a certain circle of people. Thus, we get same kind of input. A fresh perspective can be refreshing, even vitally important. Our own actions or inactions, diet, lack of exercise, lack of water intake may contribute to your emotional state as well. I gently prompt you to start with a concise self-assessment.

In conclusion, you also said that you felt as if your life was unbearable. A change in afore mentioned things may be great for you and your daughter. As for your husband, while things are in the process of moving in the right direction, kindly choose to “love” your husband. The stance of scripture says that love is NOT primarily a feeling but a “verb,” something that we do. 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (CEB) 4 Love is patient, love is kind, it isn’t jealous, it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant, 5 it isn’t rude, it doesn’t seek its own advantage, it isn’t irritable, it doesn’t keep a record of complaints, 6 it isn’t happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth. 7 Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails.

-John

Don't Ignore Your Body, You Might Get Only One Opportunity

 This is a true story that I hope helps even one person. Last Tuesday, I woke up about 2:00 AM in the morning to go to the restroom. I felt nauseous and the bathroom seemed to be spinning. I struggled to make it back to my bedroom, clinging to the walls and my furniture as I entered. I sat on the edge of the bed.

I felt nauseous and began to vomit in the trash can. I began feeling a tingling in my right hand, down my arm, right leg to my foot. I was thinking that a nap won't fix this. I was alone so I called my cousin who lives up the road. God bless him, he said that he would be right over, and never complained once.

After arriving at the hospital, they tested, took blood, but at the end of it all, nothing was found. I heard words like mini stroke, pinched nerve, etc. As my cousin was driving me home, I began to reflect on what I just experienced. 

To give you perspective, the following was my life before this event. I would wake up in the morning at 2:30-3:00 AM in the morning. I would pray, answer messages, emails and articles for about an hour. I would then write music charts and practice from 7:00 AM to 5:00 PM. I am aware that my work isn't physically taxing. However, the mental energy required to do these tasks can be intense. I was at this for weeks.

In short, I wasn't giving my mind a break, never took time for fun or relaxation. Taking time to decompress your mind is important and is not an option. What good is achieving goals if you do not have the health to enjoy your successes with your family and the one's that you love? 

Don't do what I did. I count myself fortunate that it wasn't a worse health situation for me. Reconsider your pace and how much time you spend working. You don't want to regret not taking the time needed to care for your mental state and health. Take care of it like you do the most perceived important things in your life.

-John

Don't Get Tired of Doing Good - It Will Pay Off

 There are times in our lives when we feel feel like it has become routine. It may appear that we are doing the same thing everyday, while seemingly not making any progress, or as much progress that we desire. It can feel disappointing at times. As a Christian, I am reminded of the scripture passage in Galatians 6:9 (NIV) 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I looked up the word "well-doing (in doing good)," in the original Greek. It means: beautiful, but chiefly good, i.e. Valuable or virtuous.

What a description that is! Did you know that what you might feel to be ordinary and mundane, can be viewed by others as beautiful, valuable and virtuous? Moreover Almighty God sees what you are doing and if you are doing good, He sees it as valuable. In fact, the seeds of good work(s) that you are sowing, He promises that it WILL bring a harvest, IF, you do not faint or give up.

The Greek word for "give up" means to "To loose, release, unloose (as a bow-string), relax, enfeeble; pass." What I found interesting about this definition is that it reminded of another word that is related to the bow. That is the word "sin." It is more of a military term that meant in the day of the use of bows and arrows to "miss the mark." In other words, when an archer aimed at a target and missed hitting it with his arrow, his fellow archers would say that he "sinned" or missed the mark.

When we get weary and give up, we miss the mark as well. Instead of getting frustrated by the routine and the seemingly lack of progress, kindly consider seeing this as a test of your resolve. After all, if achieving goals were that easy, everyone would be doing it and with ease. Furthermore, experiencing the harvest will be all that much sweeter and you will fully appreciate it. 

Keep going my friend. Don't give up now. You are likely closer than you think. Look forward to celebrating your harvest with family and friends. Look forward to the feeling of achieving something truly remarkable. In your later days, it will be another cherished memory for you to enjoy.

-John

When You Are At War, Remember More Than One Victory Will Be Won.

 I have been waging a war for myself and generations for a long time, more than five years hence. It has been tough. I have had to grow in many different areas along the way, heal from my wounds and fight while I was still hurting.

After fighting many battles, it would seem that I can see a a ray of light at the end of this war. It is so close that I can taste it to the glory of God. At the same time, I remind myself to stay focused on completing one task at a time to finish the mission.

To be clear, my team has been outstanding, praying for me, giving me the encouragement and coaching needed as I also did the same. We wouldn't have gotten this far without God's help, each other and His excellent "air support."

If you feel tired, discouraged, like you are at the end of your rope, you might even feel like are losing hope and faith. Know that you are not alone. You can do it. Ask God for help, for support, for those who will join with you in prayer. I recommend these things because they work! You do not have to reinvent the wheel. Good soldiers know to use the strategies and tools that have been well-tested over time.

In closing, a well fought war yields many victories that yield fruit that spans over decades and beyond. This is what you are fighting for. This is what you have to took forward to. Don't give up, because it's worth it, and will forever be remembered as your legacy.

-John

My Answer to: "Is there a hope of being married to a good guy?"

"Is there a hope of being married to a good guy for a woman with no good family background or dysfunctional family background?" Thank you for such an honest and self-reflective question. My answer to your question is a resounding “yes,” there is hope. If more people asked such questions, they would likely be better off.

Unfortunately, what being raised in a dysfunctional family does is that it conditions the child to believe that their emotional yardstick is 2 ½ or 4 feet long, rather than the standard 3 feet. Often they will use coping mechanisms to survive, and may not come to the realization for many years that how they were raised wasn’t their fault. When this happens, we should be gentle with ourselves and simply attempt to get the help we need. We should also understand that we do not have to be the people we were in our past. We can learn new things, change, grow and pursue our future with a new understanding and self-awareness. Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) says: 7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. We cannot practice that which we have never learned. I would start with reading great relationship and marriage books. Hardly any of us were formally taught the things that books like these offer. Knowing better, will equip you to do better. Practicing what you learned over-time, will increase your knowledge, give you wisdom and growth. Although books are a great source of knowledge and wisdom, you may find that you require a more robust approach. If so, book an appointment with a mental healthcare professional to assist you in sorting out some of your challenges. Getting emotionally healthy is always a wise decision and will be a great help to you and your future. It will give you confidence and even help you select a better potential life-long partner. -John

The Benefits of Coaching

I have always been in favor of coaching for other people...not necessarily for me, until now. I have a saying, "The more that you try to do, the more help and tools that you will need."

I have been blessed with an amazing coach. She has wonderful ideas, asks me great questions and causes my imagination to fire and think of other ideas. History has proven that some of the most successful CEO's gather the smartest people around them. why? Because a collection of wise men can help you succeed. The Bible says this: Proverbs 15:22(NIV) Plans fall for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. If I were to be honest, people who won't consider getting help from a coach or otherwise, may be struggling with pride. At some point in our lives or another, we all will need help. The opposite of pride is humility. Humility is vital when you are seeking success because the kind of success that spans over generations will require God's blessing. Approaching anyone for help, especially God, will require humility. "Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5 (NIV). Although my coach and I discussed ideas, she wasn't shy to say the "hard" stuff. Truth be told, we all need to hear the "hard" stuff, meaning the things we don't want to hear or don't want to do or stop doing. Whether those words come from a professional life-coach, or innocent five year old we would benefit from listening. Instead of buying something that you will not likely use after three months, or get bored with, why not invest in yourself? Level up and get a coach. When you do, be painfully honest with them. It will be some of the best money you have spent especially in your coming new year. -John

My Answer to: How many are willing to say that you might need more work on your relationship skills, and why?

 It takes 10-14 years to become a medical doctor to practice medicine. It takes approximately 4 years to become a teacher.

It takes about 2-5 years to become a proficient crane operator. These folks will likely work 20-30 years in their chosen careers before they retire.

We learn more about our occupation than how to stay married long after we retire. Most people who get married, usually hope to have a loving 40–50-year relationship. They will likely want to have and raise children, send them to college and retire together in their old age. Yet, in today’s world, most have not read a single book on marriage and relationships. In the Bible, the book of Proverbs 4:7 (NIV) says: The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Our generations before had different challenges than couples today. Information and disinformation are communicated in real-time; the overall pace of life is faster and more robust. We are finding that we must develop multiple skills to compete in the same marketplace that our parents only needed one skill.

That said, the core value and skills to have relationships are the same as they were in the 40s & 50s. Things like love, kindness, determination, commitment, loyalty, patience, compassion, and empathy. Due to our current culture, these things have been diluted and even disparaged which brings me to my question.

Over the years being married for over 23 years has thrust me into a desire to learn what makes relationships and marriage work. After reading more than 40 books on marriage and relationships and counting. I gently say that it is not just about reading but applying what you have learned that will make all the difference in your life. To date, I still have a desire to learn more. I would have avoided so many mistakes had just added this one element to my life as a young man. It is said people who are readers are usually easy to get along with and have a well-rounded view of life in general.

Imagine if everyone who was engaged to be married read just 5 books on marriage and relationships before getting married? Imagine the pain and anguish that they would avoid if they had learned simple principles that would make their relationship successful from the beginning?

I can attest that had I known then when I first got married what I know now, I would have waited to get married and would have developed more relationship tools in my toolbox before even dating. You cannot use what you have not learned. Learning what you do not know about marriage and relationships in books, audio books, videos, and podcasts is vital. Don’t think so? I challenge you to read just the first three books on my recommended reading list.

-John