Since your question is vague, I will simply assume that you are talking about the bedroom. I will again quote T. Harv Eker “If you are not getting the results that you want, all that means is there is something that you don’t know.”
How much do you really know about your wife and about intimacy? Are you curious about her? Do you study her and listen for the words that she doesn’t say? Are you effectively loving her? Are you too harsh with her? Not hitting each of these bases and being harsh with your wife can be intimacy killers. I give you Colossians 3:19 (AMPC) 19 Husbands, love your wives [be affectionate and sympathetic with them] and do not be harsh or bitter or resentful toward them.
She is YOUR wife. Filling her need to be wanted and valued by you is important and should never be neglected. You are her only source for these things. Husbands who do NOT fill these gaps, open their relationships up to trouble. I'd like to share three points that may help you.
1) Wives Need Love and Plenty of Reassurance – Your attitude towards her is about 85% of her allowing you to please her. Taking ownership of your deliberate effort to love her is vital and your responsibility. Many won't tell you this, but women need constant reassurance that you love them, that they are special and attractive to you, and that you love and want them, just because. If you have not been "ministering" these things to your wife, it would be wise to start today.
The Bible primarily notes that love is a verb, something that we do. It is broken down here in detail in “The Passion Translation” in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (TPT) 4 Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. 5 Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. 6 Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. 7 Love is a safe place of shelter. for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. 8 Love never stops loving.
Loving your wife always benefits you both. Never forget this.
2) The Mechanics Matter - Although women all have the same body parts, what might turn one person on, may turn off another. Understanding that you can learn a variety of techniques to find out what that is for your wife. There is a valuable men’s resource called “She Comes First” by doctor and author Ian Kerner. He expertly educates men on their wives ’ bodies and gives them the knowledge to step up their intimacy game. Let this be your continual operator’s manual for your beloved.
3) Start Early - Great bedroom intimacy starts days, even weeks before the blessed event. When was the last time you took her on a date similar to when you were first dating? She still needs that. You are “her” man and she still wants you to make her feel special. It will also give her something to tell her girlfriends about!
Do you know her love languages? What does “love” mean for her? For example, if “Quality Time” is one of her major love languages, and you are spending too much time with the guys, on hobby’s, etc. clearly, she may not be engaging in the bedroom. I mentioned one of the love languages. You should make the effort to learn about all five. I recommend Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, “Five Love Languages.” Read it and learn.
When you start speaking her language and pair it with your new knowledge of how her body works, you might have the tools and potential to become her bedroom hero!
-John
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