In my opinion, I say that you pivot. I humbly suggest the following:
1) Fully Assess the Situation, Leave No Stone Unturned – She may have left hints and clues before now but unfortunately, most men are not emotionally intelligent enough to pick those up. I will suggest something later, to help with that. This your life. The data says it can take 2 years minimum to emotionally recover from a divorce so take this seriously.
You will have to believe what she says for now. Perhaps she’s bluffing but don’t count on it. Because women are generally more cunning than men are some ways, you might consider hiring a PI to confirm there isn’t more going on than she says. This way you will have some answers you seek and the data you need for proof in a divorce. An “alienation of affection” suit can also be filed, and the cheater sued for the interference of your marriage (Depending on the state, country).
Consider that if she has not been cheating, that perhaps she’s completely frustrated and feels that there is no hope for the marriage of changing for the better. If this is truly the case, you may haven’t taken the lead. Perhaps you haven’t gently asked her how’s her heart and listened to her uninterrupted. Take this time to truly reflect on your part in this. Were there any harsh words that you said to her that hurt her heart or any insensitive actions? Were there something(s) that you promised her that you kept putting off? Was there something very specific that she was counting on that you never addressed or followed up on?
2) Don’t Contact Her, Don’t Chase After Her For Now– This is her show right now. Let it play out. Understand that women are fickle and it takes time for them to calm down. Chasing after her like a high school boy won’t help. In fact, it will make you look weak in her eyes. As much as it hurts right now, nurture and take care of yourself. Show yourself some dignity and respect. She will miss you at some point. If and when she does, you will be ready and a better you.
3) Upgrade Everything You Thought You Knew About Your Wife & Marriage– Once married, most people will never read a single book on marriage and relationships. You might feel that you don’t want to also. What do you have to lose except your wife? I highly suggest that you get these books and read them one after the other. It would be better for you to know much of what these say before speaking to her again. It will also be a great help if you both agree to attend counseling. They are:
- “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman
- “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
- “When Sorry Isn’t Enough” by Doctor Gary Chapman
- “For Men Only – A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women” Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
If you do not like reading, you might find them in an audiobook version. These should also help you to develop your emotional intelligence.
4) Focus on Yourself Now – We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. – Albert Einstein.
This is the time to shift your focus. Go to the gym, workout. Start eating healthier. As you read your books and reflect on your marriage over the past years, this is a time to journal and reflect on your thoughts. Most men don’t think of this, but it’s essential. Be careful of the thoughts you think. You are both adults. Stay focused and stay away from vices, drinking, etc. You will need to be sober and alert during this process. I have seen matters like this change in an instant.
5) How is Your Spiritual Life? – You are hurting now, and likely feel as if you been thrown away. I have been there, I get it. You will need time to heal. Take it. I can tell you that it will go better if you engage the spiritual side of yourself during this time.
God was there on your wedding day 26 years ago. He’s watched over it since that time up until now. He knows exactly what is driving this, and its end state. He has and is always waiting to hear your prayers. He knows you and your wife intimately, from the number of hairs on your heads to your DNAs… backward. Ask Him for guidance, peace, direction. Matthew 7:8 (NIV) 7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Establish a regular prayer time. Ask God what you should do and to reveal anything that you need to correct with her and to make recompense if needed.
6) Watch Your Words & Don’t Speak or Act Recklessly - This is a very sensitive season for you both. She may have all kinds of people speaking to her. Don’t fall into the same trap. Stay focused on what you are learning from your books, what you hear in your spirit as you write in your journal. You might even hear something in your prayer time. I would suggest that this not a time to speak rashly or act recklessly.
7) Live Your Life to the Fullest - In doing so, there should be no extramarital relationships of any kind. If you want God to honor your prayers and petitions, you must first honor him.
Take short trips, volunteer, look for opportunities to serve others. Remember, she’s still your wife and even though it appears that she doesn’t love you right now, this is where God’s word does its best on your behalf, no matter how this goes. You might make some good friends too.
This passage was likely the commission given to you both by the priest on your wedding day. In a season similar to this, I learned best, what true love really means. I give you 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
I kindly ask you to memorize this verse. It will guide you as you walk out this journey. I hope this helps.
-John
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