John Williams is a Christian, U.S. Air Force Persian Gulf War Veteran, 35-year aviation professional, ordained District Elder, screenplay writer, musician, Quora writer with over 1.2M views, and published author of 30 books. You can find John’s books at www.amazon.com/author/john_williams, and his advice at https://www.quora.com/profile/John-Williams-1222
In almost every
book you will find on marriage and relationships, communication is the one
thing that is always discussed. The most critical part of that is listening.
James 1:19 (NIV) says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this:
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” To
be more specific, there are different kinds of listening. There is the kind
where we are distracted and hear what is being said, but we’re not actually
giving our full attention to the speaker. Then, there is listening to form a
rebuttal or reply to the speaker. The kind I am talking about is what is called
“active” listening.
It takes a certain
amount of humility to truly listen to another person. Active listening is where
you make yourself a blank piece of paper that the speaker can write on,
uninterrupted. You might ask a quick question to validate what is being said,
but you are focusing your attention on the speaker in a deliberate effort to
understand. You verify by repeating what was conveyed in your own words, i.e.,
“So if I understand you correctly, you said…” Doing this makes the speaker feel
heard, and their words appreciated. If you did it right, they acknowledge that
you received their words and heard them correctly. This is the kind of
communication that all couples sorely need. Will you try this type of
listening? Will you try it today on your future spouse, family, friends, or a
co-worker? Kindly say this prayer:
“Dear Heavenly
Father, I pray that you help my future spouse and me to be the kind of partners
that are humble enough to listen to each other. Help us to learn and master the
skill of listening that we may better understand and abundantly grow together.
Anoint our ears to hear each other, the voice of the Holy Spirit as he guides
us into all truth (John 16:13) and our hearts to receive. In Jesus’ name, I
pray. Amen.”
If you enjoyed this post, the book can be found here. There is also an audiobook version as well.
I am
currently in an unhappy marriage and in love with a friend. What should I do?
Dear Johnny, thank you for your question. Imagine that you were an airline pilot and you are flying along at thirty-five thousand feet. Your spouse is your copilot. You sense there is something wrong and you radio into Air Traffic Control (ATC) for a position check. Your assumption is correct. I see that you have a fifty-two thousand foot obstacle (A very large mountain) in front of you in one hundred miles and if you do not turn to the heading I am about to give you… you get the idea.
God created love, covenant, and marriage. On your wedding day, you entered a marriage covenant with your wife before Him, the hosts of Heaven, and all the witnesses at your wedding. You declared before the same, how you will behave yourself in that covenant by stating your vows. The Priest or officiant likely asked you a question that went something like this: “Will you have this woman to be your wife, to live together in holy marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"
And you probably said something like this: I, Johnny Lui, take you “Wife’s Name,” to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.
On that day, God Himself bestowed a blessing on you for marrying your wife and promised to be a witness between you both that He keeps. if you break your covenant with her and start a new one by sleeping with someone else, God will view this as treachery (violation of faith; betrayal of trust; treason) (Dictionary.com, Dictionary, 2020), and will curse you, Malachi 2:1-5, 14-16.
You said that you love this friend but that cannot be true. Your vows require you to love your wife. Love is NOT a feeling, but a verb… something that we DO. To be more specific, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (TPT) says it this way “4 Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. 5 Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated[c] or quick to take offense. 6 Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. 7 Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. 8 Love never stops loving.
You are created in the image of God. He sees you as the Head of your household and the Priest of your home (So His reference to His priests in Malachi 2 applies to you also). That said, he holds you squarely responsible for everything that does, or does not happen in your marriage. I recall that you said, “I am currently in an unhappy marriage.” I humbly suggest that you take responsibility and fix it. The following is your new heading away from the obstacle.
1) Keep Your Promise and Change Your Mind & Direction – Leading to your wedding day, your wife trusted that you would keep your promise. That said, it is time to be the man of integrity that she thinks you are and that God demands. What we focus on expands and we will do whatever we focus on the most. We must not allow our feelings to tell us what to do especially when we already have a clear direction as to what we SHOULD do. I recommend that you willingly and deliberately change what you think about and thus your direction. You are to love your wife because, after God, she IS your priority.
2) Read – Aircraft navigation systems need updates like our cell phones and computers. Likewise, sometimes our minds need an update. I suggest the following homework. Read “The 10X Rule,” by Grant Cardone, "The Five Love Languages,” by Dr. Gary Chapman, “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, “When Sorry Isn’t Enough” by Dr. Gary Chapman, “For Men Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn, “The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm, “Extreme Ownership,” by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin, “Trading Places,” by Drs Les & Leslie Parrott and finally, “She Comes First,” by Ian Kerner. Reading is 50% of the needed effort. The remaining 50% is practicing what you have learned.
3) Refocus Your Time and Attention – Certainly with the time and energy that you have redirected to this friend, obviously it should now be focused on your wife. Focus your time on where it is now needed most and keep it there. You are still on a flight path of hitting a major obstacle that will ruin not only your life but your wife’s also. You need to make this change and now.
4) Reflect and Journal – This situation didn’t happen overnight. I kindly suggest that you pause and reflect on how you got here. If you feel that you need counseling, for goodness sake, get it. Journal your raw and honest thoughts especially as you read your homework assignments. Books have a way of boiling our souls and revealing the dross of our ignorance and false narratives that is hidden in our hearts and minds.
5) Pray – You cannot be the husband that you need to be in your own strength. The same God that is still watching over you, your wife, and marriage and stands ready to help you if you humble yourself and ask Him for it. He knows exactly how and why you arrived here. He stands ready to lead you out and help you rekindle and develop the type of marriage most people dream about.
In closing, you have your new heading and speed. Avoiding this obstacle is up to you now. Be the man and priest of your home and marriage that you are called to be. Maintain the blessing and favor that God has already given you which is your wife for marrying her. Never, ever, lose your focus on her again.
-John
Looking for answers? john.williams.author@gmail.com
When I thought about writing my latest book "Effective Prayers for Your Future Spouse: A Daily Devotional," I began with the end in mind. As a "Quora" writer, as of this writing, I have posted 416 answers and received 394.1K total content views. I get a lot of marriage and relationship questions and I saw an opportunity to answer marriage questions in my book.
That said, the book is about answering the daily challenges that couples face whether they are married or not coupled with an associate prayer for that need.
For example, today is the 12th of September. This is what the devotion says for today:
Day 12, Have Faith That God Has the Right
Person for You
God says that our
days were ordained and that our destinies were written in the books of Heaven
before we were born. He further declares that his thoughts of us are greater in
number than the sands, Psalm 139:16-18. That said, how much more is he
concerned about helping you find your future spouse? Don’t rush ahead because a
wrong spouse can temporarily derail your life.
We can trust that
God always has our best interests in mind. We can trust him with our lives down
to every detail, especially in finding our Kingdom spouse who will join us for
the rest of our lives. Kindly say this prayer:
“Dear Heavenly
Father, I know that you love me, and you will cause all things to work together
for my good because I love you and I am called according to your purpose
(Romans 8:28). You are also able to bless me abundantly, so that in all things always,
I will have all that I need to abound in every good work (2 Corinth 9:8 &
9). Father, you also said that if I delight myself in You, that you would give
me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).
So, Father, I
thank you for arranging a meeting with my future spouse. I will patiently wait
for you, knowing that you will always give me your very best. Thank you, Lord.
I pray in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
After blogging for many years, and after a very challenging period of my life, I find that I am blogging on blogger. I am grateful for the platform and I trust that I will add great value to this space for Google readers and my audience all over the world.
I am John Williams, a 58-year-old Christian, father, United States Air Force Persian Gulf War Veteran, Author, Musician, screenplay writer, playwright, 28-year aviation professional, and US Patent holder. I am proud to say that I have published 14 books, and one audiobook so far, and counting.
It is my plan, calling, and purpose to add value to the world and leave a legacy for my great, great-grandchildren. To that end, I will create and document my journey here. I will share stories, promote my books, writings and other things I feel are worth sharing for my readers and the curious.
If you have questions comments, rants, and raves concerning me, please feel free to comment. That is all for now and thank you for visiting my blog page.
