If you are similar to me, I tend to be drawn to videos that have to do with relationships. That would include instances of first meetings, long-distance meetings, break-ups, and sometimes complete relationship meltdowns.
What I find fascinating about it is, that after learning more about and understanding the neuroscience dynamic of relationships, you begin to understand what is happening at a different level. Thus, the title of my article.
There is a show called “Pop the Balloon” where the host has several single females standing in a room, each with a balloon and the means to pop it. They bring in what appears to be an eligible bachelor that they may choose to get to know. If they don’t like something(s) about him, they pop their balloon and state why. I feel that they make a lot of assumptions about the men. It is a superficial way to meet anyone which makes for dramatic video content.
I find the show's methods immature (In a Jerry Springer sort of way). As adults, we have language that we can use. We don’t need a popped balloon to speak for us. I would rather see moments of conversation to confirm or debunk what they think or believe of the men or women who are being considered (I think this would be more interesting).
I recently saw a video where a male victim enters the room and most of the female contestants immediately begin popping their balloons before the male even gets a chance to say a word.
I would be remiss if I did not mention that all the participants are usually people of color. If you will be patient with me for a moment, I will reveal why this is significant.
One of my favorite books is one called “Wired for Love” by Dr. Stan Takin. He is an expert in relationships from the perspective of neuroscience. He shares these words:
“Most notably, as we approach a potential partner, our near senses become engaged. These include first and foremost our close-up visual stream (which some refer to as the ventral visual stream), reserved for people or objects deemed safe and those being closely observed. As you move toward another person and come within an approximate distance of two to three feet, you may find yourself hesitating as your brain adjusts to the near visual stream. Meeting another person in close proximity, your brain is predisposed to take in the face: the fine, smooth muscles of the face as they shift and change, the kaleidoscopic fluctuations in skin tone, the eyes dancing and pupils opening and closing in tune with your buzzing nervous systems as the two of you interact. You can see more detail in the face and body. A person looks quite different up close than at a distance.”
(Takin, Stan. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (p. 161). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition).
With this new understanding, it is the "distance" that we are from a person that will cause us to assess them in error.
I viewed a recent episode where there were six women this time. The first five women were black women and the sixth woman was a Caucasian lady. The process began and the women of color all popped their balloons, except the sixth lady. She allowed the male to approach her within 3-4 feet and gladly accepted his attention. They began to develop a connection.
What am I saying? Neuroscience doesn’t lie. The response of the other women was likely due to the primitive side of their brain advising them “Don’t get killed!” This is why the show's premise doesn’t serve single women or men hoping to find an eligible future partner. I think candidates who prematurely pop their balloons are because of former negative experiences. Thus, they were not willing to let their guard down to access someone up close. However, in the same scenario, the sixth lady was open, inviting, and wasn’t afraid of the “up close” interaction with someone new, no matter his ethnicity.
What if we all approached people the way the sixth woman did? What if we were more kind, patient, and unafraid to engage someone up close (within the 3 - 4 feet range)? What would we discover? What humorous moments would we share? What new things would we learn and what would they learn from us?
I am reminded of the words of Jesus in John 13:34 (NIV) 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
"Love" in the context of scripture is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
In closing, although we are commanded not to judge one another, we tend to do so anyway. Let’s be mindful to practice the first six words of 1 Corinthians 13:4 this holiday season as the sixth lady did to the gentlemen. “Love is patient, love is kind.”
-John
